A Life not Spent with You

BY : Rin-chan
Category: DarkFic > Slash - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 4305
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental - this is a work of fiction.

Howdy! Been a while since the last update - I had too much fun writing this chapter! I hope you all enjoy it, and its clear of what happened in the time jump ;) 

Thank you for the reads and reviews! Oh, and Lisa - I know this has happened before, I'm trying to get it right, the whole separate line for each conversation but when I upload the text it always jumbles it since its a different format document. To get it all right I have to upload, then look at story in another tab, recorrect in another to get the conversation right. >< Don't know why it does this but usually I update quick when I'm in a rush to get to work or something X_x I'll go over the chapters soon to recorrect this! Thanks for your sharp eyes, and thank you for all the reviews! ^^

TRIGGER WARNING: This story deals with sexual assault and can get heavy in the details that might be upsetting for some readers! Ye be warned! 


                                                                                                                                                              * 

 

                                                                                     Six weeks later 

 

                                                                                                                                                              * 

 

 The first thing he was aware of was warmth, a pleasant sense of belonging and safety. Eyes still closed, Damien winced at the light spilling across them on their bed. Lying on his side, knees brought up, he felt Ivan behind him, mirroring him with a hand draped loosely across his waist. Not curled up how thoughtful... Smiling tiredly, he reached up with his left hand, gently took his lover’s hand and tugged it further around him, guided him to cuddle against his back. The older man moved slowly, jerkily as if he were still asleep. Wriggling carefully, Damien settled himself into the curve of his boyfriend’s body, let his breath out in a quiet sigh. There were times when he didn’t want to be held in the night as it caused problems as he slept and dreamed; it made his heart thrum with joy to have such a considerate partner. Ivan turned his face, kissed his hair before growing still once more. The one gesture made Damien smile, gently squeeze Ivan hand he was holding as he let himself drift in the warm comfort. 

 

 It had been a hard month and a half, finding the courage to find another therapist and going back to work. The worst was seeing his parents. Opening his eyes, Damien took in the dying, orange light that washed in through the master bedroom windows. It still stung, thinking of it, remembering their distraught, teary faces when they arrived a day and a half after his midnight phone call to them. Oh god I couldn’t look at them when they got here to the houseboat... The agonizing confession on the phone and hearing their shocked breathless exclamations had been difficult - it had been so much worse seeing them inch towards him like he was a frightened animal, coaxing him not to run away with their hushed reassurances. Thinking of it now, Damien felt his face heat, his eyes sting with tears just a little, this time in his unending gratitude. Ivan had held him tightly, told him he was loved, relinquished him into his parents embrace. His shame had been so choking, he nearly fell to his knees at the great release of his fears at his parent’s strong arms wrapped around him, hearing their tearful declarations of love.  

 

 Lying here in Ivan’s arms, Damien smiled faintly, remembering his mom gently cupping Ivan’s face, her eyes streaming with tears as she thanked him, thanked him for being there, for taking care of her “baby.” before kissing his cheek. My dad thanked him too him holding back tears he wanted to be strong for me... It had been uncomfortable at first, being so open and exposed with his parents, them knowing his secret. He’d always withheld certain things in his life, mostly of Ivan since his mom especially, didn’t like to hear of it; to suddenly have them privy to much of his life, had taken some time to get used to.  

 

 Both his parents had helped him find a new therapist two weeks after they had arrived, the time it took to lessen the sting of rejection from the first session attempt. They had let Dr. Meramec know how prejudiced Mr. Barlton was, to warn others of his intense homophobia; Meramec thanked them profusely, an edge of anger in his normally pleasant voice as he offered his condolences. All of three of them, Ivan and his mom and dad, has accompanied him. Therapist Adrian Fraser was a considerate man, had offered them beverages before quietly inviting them to sit wherever they’d like. He had introduced himself, spoke gently in a way that not all of his careful questions had to be answered. The first session was calming, the second further relaxed his knee-jerk reaction to run away, and the third session he had just finished yesterday was the first he did by himself.  

 

 I’m actually moving forward even if its just a little... Opening his eyes, Damien let his thoughts drift to how Ivan and him were starting to regain their intimacy. Both of them had talked about it, about what was okay to try and what wasn’t, what to do during panicked moments. His face heated, thinking back on how hard it was to list what wasn’t allowed, knowing he didn’t have to explain or detail the events. Ivan had only nodded, smiled and thanked him for sharing.  

 

 Pressing back against the older man, bringing his arm around him tighter, Damien’s skin broke out in tingling goose bumps at picturing their first deep kiss, hands shyly sweeping under t-shirts, trailing down to hold each other’s waists. A few days after that they’d managed to both shed their shirts, tracing their bare skin and the fine contours of each other’s chests. His aversion to pleasure had grown, since he found it difficult to allow his body to respond naturally. This caused them to stumble a few times when his body panicked, unable to handle the building sensations. His older lover was so caring, considerate that he’d shivered in enjoyment when Ivan’s fingers dipped under his pajama waistband, traced his hipbone. It was holding Ivan’s hand with teary eyes he gave permission to palm over his hard length through his shorts, made his head spin at the tentative touch. Remembering made his breath grow slightly heavy, his groin filling with heat. It was empowering, focusing on the closeness and safety he felt with Ivan, being able to say stop.  

 

 The biggest hurdle he’d crossed with Ivan was letting himself be shed of all clothing; his lover had kept his own boxers on to ease the pressure of having to ‘perform’. It had taken a few tries on different days to get to where he let his boyfriend slowly tug his boxer’s waistband over his hips, careful not to snag his erection, slip the shorts free from his legs. The most difficult thing was seeing himself hard, flooded with desire that remained tangled in fear, guilt, and shame. Also the fact that he’d lost his only protection, nothing to hinder any attempt to go further, be parted and invaded. But they had discussed that getting to intercourse wasn’t the goal, it was rebuilding the trust and intimacy that came with sharing each other. Damien remembered gripping the blankets as Ivan pressed the softest kisses along his bare body, fingertips ghosting along his skin so tenderly he couldn’t help the tears from slipping down his cheeks, incredibly moved. The slow and gentle approach, the whispered reassurances Ivan gave eased his body from survival mode to where he could start to enjoy and crave being treated so lovingly. And a  couple times since, with a few tears and start and stop attempts, he’d let Ivan touch his genitals. Remembering, longing to shower his lover with the same touches, Damien felt his heartbeat spike at the older man’s stirring as he woke. 

 

 The early evening sunlight greeted him as he tiredly opened his eyes. Ivan stifled a yawn, remaining still - he’d gotten into the habit of freezing upon awakening. Never sure how tangled up we become in the night... Finding himself spooning his boyfriend, his cheek tucked atop of his head, he smiled at how his arm was draped around the younger man’s waist, their hands threaded. The marina was quiet, save a few seagull cries in the distance, the boat was rocking ever so slightly; it was perfect moments like these when he reflected how fortunate he was. Certain his lover was still sleeping, he carefully turned his face, pressed a kiss atop his crown before settling back, stroking his thumb along Damien’s hand. The sweet, clean scent of his shampoo made him smile; earlier in the afternoon they had met with Bailey for a tennis game. The tiring couple hours had them come home, shower separately and recharge with a quick nap.  

 

 And then its back to work tomorrow... This week both him and Damien were working Thursday to Monday, an odd five-day stretch. Smoothing his thumb along his lover’s hand still, unaware of it, Ivan thought back to the first day the younger man had gone back to work. His smile was brittle but he went I remember him texting me throughout the day saying he was scared stacking bookshelves out in the open store and having to work the cashier’s desk and interact with strangers but he did it... Damien had returned somewhat shaky, had needed a couple mugs of tea until he managed to fully relax at home. He didn’t want to be held just have me near him... As Damien had crawled out of the shocked, bewildered stage of dealing with his trauma, he’d grown slightly independent, not needing to be held as much. As he mused, Ivan’s lightly trailed his thumb up along to his boyfriend’s wrist, trailing along the smooth skin. It had hurt just a little being refused my offers of holding and hugging... Used to offering comfort so often, it had taken a bit of time to appreciate the times Damien sought his touch rather than needing it constantly. To choose when he wanted it, not throw himself into his arms like someone tossing on a coat to guard against the cold. The younger man stirred, moving slightly; realized his wayward hand was running lightly along his lover’s forearm, Ivan ceased, not wanting to wake him. 

 

 Damien turned his face, keeping the rest of his body snug against his front; smiling, he murmured a hello, offered a kiss. Smiling in return, Ivan leaned his face, gave him a light press of the lips. The younger man had cut his hair, the tips trailing just past his ears, bangs cut in a shaggy manner that framed his gorgeous face. Ivan sometimes missed the long luscious length, threading his fingers into soft tresses but he’d known it was for a change, not in response to the assailants' comments. Damien’s playful blue crescents regarded him as he offered another kiss, a slow and lingering touch that sent a shiver throughout Ivan’s body. His heart skipped a beat when his lover parted their lips, turned so he was on his back, staring at him for a long moment, his eyes shimmering with heat before he reached up, touched his face. Rolling carefully, Ivan moved so he was half-lying on his stomach, his chest lightly pressed against his lover’s before accepting the offered kiss. His head spun lazily as their tongues shyly met; supporting most of his weight on one elbow, tucked into the crook of Damien’s armpit, his other arm he rested lightly on his boyfriend’s chest, hand holding his cheek as he fought back a moan. His sweetheart’s hands were trailing along his back, one questing upwards to massage his scalp as he made the kiss more intense. 

 

 Desire trickled through him, made his mind feel clouded and with some hesitance, Damien let his thoughts fade as he simply felt. It had taken practice but to go beyond kissing was where his difficulties began. Parting their lips for a second, Damien took in the lusty green of his lover’s eyes before closing the distance again, darted his tongue to tease Ivan’s. The older man bit back a sound - hearing his enjoyment always encouraged Damien to keep going. With a tremble in his stomach, the younger man asked between kisses to sit up. As always, Ivan did as requested immediately, taking care not to jostle him or move too fast. The blond knelt on the bed, within touching distance of him, his face open and kind. His heart pounding, Damien knelt as well, his face growing hot as he shuffled closer to the larger man. Ivan was taller, his chest broad, his limbs taut with athletic, firm muscles; knowing how it felt to be held in their gentle strength, his blush deepened as he sought for another kiss. Those strong arms loosely caged around him, made him feel protected and safe, after a few tongue licks, gasping lightly in his hesitance, Damien swept a hand down to his lover’s shirt hem, ghosted his fingers up to trace the warm skin of his torso.  

 

 His breath stopping for a moment, Ivan let out a sigh as his lover’s hand grazed along his back, thumb pressing in lightly to the hollow of his spine. His skin felt electric at the younger man’s shy touches, the pleasant feeling questing down into his lower abdomen. Damien turned his face, reangling his head as his tongue dragged along his, coaxing it to move. Smoothing a hand down his lover’s back, Ivan shivered at the second hand sneaking under his shirt, fingertips dragging up along his torso.  

 

 A uncertain sound escaped his lover, a small panicked breath in their kiss; about to withdraw, the blond felt his heart hammer as the younger man dragged up his shirt, exposing his stomach, lifted it as far as he could go. With the fabric caught at his arms, the blond parted their kiss, gave him a gentle, questioning look. Damien drew away slightly and hugged his own chest, looking adorably shy with his face a charming pink as he nodded. Feeling slightly bashful himself, Ivan hooked his thumbs under his fallen shirt hem and slowly shucked his shirt off; normally he wouldn’t feel shy at revealing his body, but since they had started to talk about sex Ivan was always afraid to inadvertently press his boyfriend to keep going, make him perform.  

 

 Baring his body made him feel like he was pressuring, and part of the hesitance was from being a man. A little anxious, Ivan caught his sweetheart’s eyes as they examined him, and offered a small smile and got a small one in return before the momentary hollow look left those azure eyes. It galled him sometimes that he shared the same sex organs as the rapist did, made him grit his teeth at times when Damien hesitated sometimes when they were pressed together getting ready for bed or hugging. Because a man hurt him so badly used his strength to overpower him and violated him with his penis and poisoned his body with semen... Poison in the sense that it marked the end of a lasting, horrifying traumatic memory Damien would never really forget. It was just over two weeks ago that Dr. Meramec has called to say Damien was in the clear with no STD’s or HIV markers.  

 

His eyes a tad sorrowful, his mood tinged with bitterness at the comparisons of his body and rapist’s, Ivan felt his heart lose that slight aching bruise as his lover shuffled closer, tentatively place his hands upon his bare chest. A thumb reached up, swept lovingly along one of his collarbones, and that bruise on his heart faded at the sweet crease of blue eyes he fell in love with. Initiating first this time, only a kiss, Ivan’s eyes closed at his lover’s fast response, accepted his kiss. Feeling forgiven for some unknown thing, the older man’s arms wrapped gently around the slighter man, squeezed him once. 

 

 His skin felt like it was shrinking, unable to contain his emotions as he swept his palms along the older man’s torso, enjoying the warm skin. Ivan’s mood had grown especially tender, his slow touches bordering on reverence that he responded to every time. With a shimmer of boldness, he parted their lips, kissed down along the blond’s jawline, stopped just under his ear. Breathing in the older man’s scent, a pleasant mix of musk and something spicy, Damien closed his eyes and gently lipped the lobe of his ear. The arms around him trembled, his lover sighed out his name; a strong wave of desire flooded through him, running throughout his nerves, turning up the electricity a tiny notch. One of their rules was whatever Damien offered, the older man could match as long as he did it slowly, gave him time to protest. Cautiously Ivan kissed his neck, nuzzling his lips along his skin.  

 

  

 With a sudden sharp breath, Damien turned his head slightly, made it easier for him to kiss along his throat. Ivan trailed his fingertips lightly along the younger’s slender back, dragging along the soft shirt material. His body growing very warm, sweat forming on his brow in his careful monitoring, the older man gently kissed his ear, part his lips and nipped the lobe. His boyfriend shuddered, the hands leaving his chest to wrap around his back, pulling him closer. Anxiety fluttered throughout him - the last time they’d tried anything had ended with a flashback. Need to keep slow don’t scare him... A part of him was reluctant to go further, fueled by the guilt from setting off Damien in a panic; as rewarding as it was to hear his sighs and enjoyment, it was overshadowed by the attempts that went badly. But its up to him how far he wants to go I won’t refuse... With his stomach feeling shaky, Ivan whispered what he was about to do, waited a second and gently slid his tongue along Damien’s earlobe. The arms around him squeezed, another tremble ran through the younger man as he held in a gasp. Treasuring the sound, Ivan dragged his tongue slowly up along the shell of his ear. 

 

 Tantalizing shivers ran down to his groin, the sensations welcome as he clung to the older man. Damien fought the urge to wriggle slightly as his body yearned for more. Just relax its okay he won’t hurt me... It was always hard to simply take the pleasant feelings and not think immediately of sex and thrusting which soured his mood with great trepidation. Knowing his sweetheart would never push him or take things too far, Damien relaxed his hold on the older man, even managed to giggle as Ivan swirled his tongue at the sensitive spot just belong his earlobe again. Wanting to press his skin against his lover’s, he withdrew his arms, shyly met Ivan’s green gaze and slowly pulled off his t-shirt. Shivering more for the anticipation of having gentle hands trailing across his bare chest, he lay himself back onto the bed as lips kissed down his neck, along a shoulder before trailing down to his ribs.  

 

 Hearing his lover’s heavy breath, a hand stroking along his scalp encouragingly, Ivan still decided not to go further without the other man’s request. His body was welcoming his touch, quivered at each sweep of his fingertips lightly trailing along his forearm, his back; however, by asking might seem like a demand and the last thing he wanted was Damien was to feel like tease if it went badly. Lying on his side, he shuffled a little closer, pressing his body against his boyfriend’s side as he lay on his back. The younger man wrapped his arm around his back, pressed him closer as he moved for a kiss. Glad to receive, Ivan bent his head as their lips met in a sweet union. The rush of desire ran through him as their tongues met, his cock growing harder. Worried, realizing how close he was pressed against Damien’s side he was, to his surprise, with a pant of effort, Damien turned on his side to face him directly. 

 

 A shock ran through Damien’s body as his hips pressed against his boyfriend’s lower stomach, his hard shaft grazing him. Embarrassment filled his face with heat, worsening at their height difference so he felt Ivan’s length pressing into his thigh. Shivering, feeling like his lower body had been charged like a magnet, he tried to calm his nervous breaths. I want him so badly how can I want anything to do with sex I shouldn’t... He hadn’t even tried to touch Ivan below his waist, too afraid it would lead somewhere he couldn’t manage. How he longed to just get it over with, to simply let Ivan carefully prepare him and try to coax his body into relaxing enough for the older man to push in, slide in and erase the last hated memory of sex.  

 

 Their faces were so close but Ivan could see the growing worry and anxiousness on his face, his eyes growing unfocused as they stared just at his cheek, not meeting his eyes. Nervous, cursing himself inwardly, he lifted his arm, gently held his boyfriend’s cheek. “Hey, is everything alright?” Blue eyes blinked, losing that faraway look of consideration. 

 

“I-I’m just, I miss being with you...” Damien whispered softly - how he missed rolling around in the sheets, laughing and goofing around. The sometimes rough way they’d go about in their love making, bending over for his older lover, feeling his hands spread his legs, his cheeks. Being pressed down, a hand knotted in his hair, keeping his face crushed against the floor as he was ripped open. Arms wrapped around his gently, lips lightly brushed over his forehead; with a start, Damien blinked away the tears that suddenly stung his eyes.  

 

 “Its just me, you started breathing fast...” Murmuring softly, Ivan kept his arms loose, closed his eyes. Damien’s tenseness drained away, and his arms twined around him as well, bringing them closer. The younger man’s trembles grew worse, became shaking almost as he buried his face into his chest. Ivan kissed his hair, his heart swelling with emotion at being here, being able to comfort his loved one.  

 

 I can’t escape him. He’s everywhere in everything... Apologizing, Damien felt his voice break with emotion, the choking severity of being chained with this forever, too difficult to get his words out without stammering. A hand reached up briefly to comb through his short locks; the loving gesture sent a shiver down his spine. With the hateful memories sweeping in his mind, the thoughts that led back to his attack, he was surprised to find his skin prickle for more touches. Caresses and warm breath against his neck, lips kissing his shoulders. Everything Ivan gave always made him feel so treasured and special - each touch created a spark to clash against the freezing cold his memories caused. With a heavy breath, trembling at the sudden wave of longing, Damien lifted his head, kissed his lover’s chest.  

 

 Eyes half-closing at the younger man’s sudden kisses, lips trailing up to his shoulder, sucking gently along his neck, Ivan relaxed his arms. Damien’s desire pressed against him like a weight and with a shiver he kept his hands still. Don’t press its up to him! A hand smoothed along his back, skimming along his bare skin and faltered at his hip. The younger man withdrew his face from his shoulder, his mouth parted in shaking silent gasp, eyes afraid. A decision burned in those gorgeous blue eyes inches away from his; worried at the fear he saw, Ivan parted his lips to ask when his lover pressed their hips together. A shock rattled throughout his body, the hesitant grinding amazingly tantalizing. His boyfriend gasped then let out a scared whimper, shame filling his face at his enjoyment. Surprised at the boldness, quick to reassure Ivan kissed his cheek, whispering that everything was okay. Damien gave a nod and a kiss, trembling as his hand pressed on the small of his back, slowly rocked his hips into his.  

 

 Pleasure ran throughout his body, warm and exciting at his second try. The familiar sensation pooling in his groin scared him, made him think how badly he tried to stop enjoyment during his assault. But the way Ivan’s breath had grown heavier, his arms around him loosening, a hand stroking along his back, all spurred him to continue. Rocking forwards just a little, a ragged sigh escaped him, feeling Ivan’s obvious enjoyment pressing into his thigh. Ivan I’m with Ivan just look at him! Locking his gaze with his lover’s, he felt the shame and fear drain away at the tenderness he saw in Ivan’s eyes. The friction was deliciously welcome, light years from the frightening last time. Holding his breath, Damien broke their holding gaze, scared he’d seem too bold as he readjusted himself so he was a few inches lower. Hesitantly, so uncertain, Damien rocked forwards again, sealed their hips and gasped at the pleasure striking in his groin.  

 

 “Its okay, its okay to feel good, sweetheart!” Whispering in his ear, kissing his cheek, Ivan ducked his head, told him it was safe. The thin fabric of their pajamas offered little resistance to the amount of pleasure in their grinding. Oh god its amazing he made the first move... What the hesitant rocking made him feel was overwhelmed by his alertness for any hint of flashback or fear. Their hard erections were nestled against each other, two layers of clothing shielding them. The growing sharp breaths Damien gave as he trembled worried him.  

 

 “I-it feels good, you feel so good.” Licking his lips, embarrassed a little, Damien blushed. The gentle strength of Ivan’s arms wrapped around him coaxed him to continue, their bare chests sealed as well. Being so close, feeling so safe he rocked his hips again, eyes closing at the pleasure. It felt like he was loving Ivan with his whole body, and with a shiver of surrender he trusted the older man not to go any further. Kissing his chest, he arched his hips forward again, gasped as their lengths ground against each other, made his head spin. It felt so different, this pleasure where he was loved and treated with all the kindness in the world; starting a slow rhythm, he blinked away the sweat that was forming along his brow. The older man remained still, his breathing ragged - gasping his name, Damien leaned his face up, received a burning kiss that he answered with his tongue.  

 

 The dizzying motions made his heart hammer wildly - the younger man had never made a move to touch him below the waist. This sudden contact with his lover it made him almost painfully hard, the grinding testing his limits. Sliding his hand down to the small of Damien’s back, Ivan held his hand, waited and then slid it further to palm along his round buttock. The younger man broke their kiss, stammered his name, his lust-filled eyes looking down their bodies. Kissing his cheek, he groaned at the next rocking, nuzzled his lips down to suckle gently on Damien’s earlobe. The arms around him tightened, a pleased gasp into his chest. Tentatively, scared he’d ruin this, he asked if he could move as well. At the shaking yes, Ivan kissed his neck, keeping gentle as he rocked carefully into Damien’s motion.  

 

 “Ah, Ivan!” His mind felt clouded, his body yearning for more as he breathed in his lover’s scent. His boyfriend pressed against him and it was soothing, knowing that it was a two-way act. A give and take, not just a take, something shared. Every nerve in his body thrummed with pleasure, soft and needful. Their bodies moved in a slow wave, his cock rubbing against Ivan’s and he cried out. He loved feeling Ivan’s strong body against him, made him feel so protected. Feeling dizzy at the pleasure, he tugged Ivan’s torso, made a motion for him to lie on top of him. His sweetheart pulled his face from his neck, stared at him heatedly, a question in his eyes. Nodding, moving his head, wanting the friction to continue as quickly as possible, Damien blinked at the realization of what he wanted.  

 

 Whatever lust-filled haze his lover was in faded, he could see it on the younger man’s face. It was almost a look of shame as knowing filled his eyes. How badly Ivan wanted to take that ashamed look away, how badly he wanted to get the message through that it wasn’t bad to want sex or pleasure. But I can’t I have no idea what it feels like how he felt during his rape... Flashing a smile, giving the tiniest shrug of his shoulders, to his joy his boyfriend returned the smile, albeit a small shaky one. His eyes traced along his face, searching for something before he moved to sit up, bringing his knees up slightly. Following suit, Ivan waited, tried not to drop his mouth open as he watched Damien. With a deep breath, Damien leaned back a little, his breath growing fast in nervousness; his knees parted a little, shaking before he stopped.  

 

 Sitting back up, feeling incredible wanton and shameless lying himself down like that, he fought the trembles that were growing. How can I want to this rocking is a mirror to sex its too soon what will he think? Ivan shuffled forwards a little, took his hand; blinking out of his spiraling thoughts, he watched as the older man kissed the back of his fingers. Smiling gently, he squeezed his hand lightly, “ You don’t have to, its okay.” A way out, a way to avoid this embarrassing, guilty desire. But the way it felt being held and pressed so tightly against him... Aware of how open he was letting himself be, how exposed despite still in his pajama pants, Damien squeezed Ivan’s hand back, pulled him closer.  

 

  “I-I know...I want to, though...” His eyes shyly peeked from behind his fallen bangs, his face flushed as he tugged him closer. Breath growing fast, prickles of shame coursing along his skin, he parted his knees, stopped again. Ivan smiled at him, whispered reassurances; nodding, he held his breath and lay his back down on the bed. Shaking, he parted his legs. His head on the pillows, he looked to the side, waited, scared. 

 

 “Darling please look at me, I’ll be gentle. Its okay, just tell me to stop at any time and I will.” Damien looked at him, his face anxious. Kneeling, frightened he’d start a flashback, Ivan sought for one of Damien’s hands and took it gently. Holding it, he settled between Damien’s legs slowly, making sure his weight was all on his propped up arm resting next to his lover’s chest. As their lower bodies connected, his boyfriend let out a scared whimper, locked his arms around his shoulders. His grip was iron, his body shaking; amazed at how brave he was, Ivan kissed his cheek, “Dami, want me to stop? Please say something!” Voice low, he remained still, sweating in his anxiety and desire. He was half-lying atop the slighter man and he felt Damien’s knees dig into his sides as he shook. Oh fuck I scared him! Idiot! I set him off he’s begging! 

 

 “D-Dami? Honey, please!” Ivan whispered harshly, a hand looping around his back to stroke his hair. Damien clung to Ivan, his head even more fogged with desire, his nerves singing for more friction, for Ivan to slide into him. Knowing he couldn’t handle it, such a monumental thing, he clenched his eyes shut. “P-Please, please Ivan, I can’t!” Making so he was hugging the older man to him rather than choking him with his grip, he shook his head, trying to make him understand. His lover apologized, stroked his back, trying to coax him out of what he thought was a flashback. Frustrated, Damien shook his head again. “No, I’m fine, I-I just can’t do anything more, please d-don’t make me!” Ivan was still hard, so close, just a lower movement and he’d slide between his cheeks through the thin fabric. Scared, a secret part of him wanting it, tears started to form in his closed eyes. He remembered lying on the floor, a stranger’s cock slamming into him from behind, his balls flush against his own. Ivan could convince me to try and I want to I so badly want to but I can’t he won’t make me but I can’t! 

 

 “Hey, shh, I won’t, I won’t...” Frowning, his chin propped over the younger man’s shoulder, Ivan made his looped arm return the half-embrace. I think he’s talking about something else... The growing panic in Damien’s pleas cleared his head, “I won’t do anything more, I promise, I’d never hurt you like that.” The words were heavy with his sincerity and it somehow got through to the younger man. The arms around him loosened partially, the quickening pants slowing. His right arm started to ache from supporting his weight in the awkward position, but he cared little as he reassured the other man.  

 “Oh Dami, I can’t believe how brave you are...” Taking in how exposed and vulnerable this position was, he counted himself blessed Damien trusted him this much to settle between his legs like this. The younger man’s trembling slowed, he swallowed audibly before he lay back down on the bed, letting him go. His cheeks were red, his eyes not quite meeting his. Expecting apologies and knowing they were unneeded, Ivan gave his sweetheart a smile and leaned his chin forwards. A tired sort of smile graced his boyfriend’s lips before he hesitantly lifted his head up, gave him a quick peck.  

 

 The swarm of guilt and embarrassment dissipated in that one kiss. I don’t even have to say anything or explain myself... Damien took in the flushed pink of his lover’s face, saw the sweat that had started to form on his face and felt something low in his stomach tighten at knowing the cause. Hearing Ivan’s pleasure, the treasured gasps that echoed his, had been so satisfying. Weighing the option of stopping here, he took a deep breath and leaned his head upwards again, sought another kiss. As his lover brought his face close, Damien touched his cheek, held it. Sweeping his fingertips along the slightly sandpapery skin of his jawline, grounding himself, he closed his eyes. A rush of heat ran through them as their lips met, this kiss electrifying. Their rocking had been so intimate and with a scared intake of breath, he pushed up his hips slightly.  

 

 Minutely readjusting his arm, still resting as much weight of his upper body on it, Ivan fought to remain still as his boyfriend arched his hips up into his. Gave another upwards motion, a deliciously slow friction that made his spin. Taking cues from the younger man, the blond let his kiss grow, responding to Damien’s tongue shyly darting out to meet his. Slowly, his lover started another rhythm, small pants escaping him as he rolled his lower body into his. A shaking sigh escaped him, then a gasp; breaking their kiss, the dark-haired beauty kissed his neck, kissed his shoulder while a shudder ran through him. The stimulation was making his cock ache, the growing need as his lover moved. “God, Dami, that feels so good...” Bringing his hand up to comb through the younger man’s hair, Ivan felt his eyes flutter in effort to stay open at the building excitement in his groin.  

 

 Cooing Ivan’s name into his neck as he continued his slow pace, Damien planted his feet on the bed, used his bent knees as leverage to press upwards further, rolling his pelvis against the older man’s in a gentle wave. A whimper left him at the pleasure rippled through him. Feels good no I can’t! Gritting his teeth, Damien skimmed his lips along Ivan’s sweat-damp shoulder, pressed sweet kisses along his collarbone. Being held so close, a hand meshing lovingly through his hair, a curtain in his mind fell away and his pleasure somehow doubled almost. Focusing hard on keeping in the present, he opened his eyes, took in Ivan’s blond hair, the familiar ceiling above. Lips kissed his cheek, “D-Dami, I’m here, its me darling...” The hoarseness in Ivan’s voice juxtaposed the softness of his words, the kindness. Quickening his pace slightly, Damien’s focus nearly came undone as the friction grew, his body tensing at the gathering sensations.  

 

 His control slipping, his body growing frustrated in his desire to add to this intimacy, Ivan bit his lip, uncertain if he should ask. The faster rocking was steadily sending his body into restlessness, yearning for completion. If I come will it scare him? Shit I didn’t even think of it what if I can’t think clearly enough to ask? A groan escaped him with Damien answering with his own, his breath growing heavy and quick. Unable to restrain himself, he asked permission to move with him and his reply was a breathless yes. Freeing his fingers from his lover’s locks, Ivan placed it on the bed, setting his arms in a sort of push-up position, hands planted just under Damien’s armpits. With a shaky moan, the younger man let his back fall on the bed, his bangs fallen in his eyes as he stared up at him, his eyes glassy with lust. Stammering his name, Ivan carefully rocked his hips into his lover’s, watched his mouth fall open, his eyes cringing in pleasure. His skin prickling with heat, he tentatively did so again, moaned as Damien arched his lower body into his motion. Dropping his head slightly, feeling dizzy almost at the way his heart hammered with emotion, Ivan started a slow pace, sweating as it gradually became faster.  

 

 They both arched and push against each other, grinding and gasping. The simulation of it, the sexual expression nearly had Damien in tears as he felt the combined sensations start to escalate. The last time Ivan had disrobed him, touched his genitals he’d managed to stroke him. So careful and gentle but when it neared this point Damien had froze, burst into tears. Feeling adrift for a moment, he reached up and hugged the older man’s chest, kissed his bare skin. Committing himself to it, wanting to enjoy it, wanted Ivan to hear his crying out, Damien gasped hoarsely. “Ah, I-Ivan, Ivan! I’m so close!” His pleasure doubled, tripled, and was suddenly beyond his control. The loss of being able to govern his body made him feel so cold, frightened. No no don’t come he’ll laugh please stop! An image of him on all fours, body so tense as he spilled semen in his rapist’s hand made his arms lock, a shaking cry leaving him as his orgasm ripped through him.  

 

 Not meaning to, Ivan had tipped over the edge at his lover’s trembling voice warning him of his approaching end. His mind felt uncaged at the knowledge that the younger man was comfortable and felt safe enough to orgasm with him like this. As he breathlessly moaned, his teeth grit as he released, his abdomen tensing and flexing as he continued his rocking pace, Damien’s voice had fallen into excited sounds, big sharp gasps. Suddenly his arms around him tightened almost painfully and his sounds became frightened, so uncertain and lost. Knowing something was very wrong, Ivan stopped his motions but his lover kept his pace, seemingly unable to stop as his body rode through the natural drive. Keeping all his weight on his right arm, Ivan brought up his other arm around Damien’s back, stroked his shoulder. “Dami, its over, it can’t hurt you! Sweetheart, you’re safe, listen to my voice!” Speaking quietly but firmly, he cringed at the scared shout Damien made as he came, their slick groins growing more messy. Shaking badly, Damien clung to him, breathlessly denying and pleading. Eyes brimming with tears suddenly, Ivan hugged his boyfriend to him, “No, Damien, you’re safe, you’re with me! Its a flashback, honey, p-please!” 

 

 Chaotic snippets of his rape streamed through his mind as his body jerked with his orgasm. The memories played over and over but he was holding Ivan tightly, the feeling of being held was out of place, didn’t belong in his flashback. Gasping, pleading for himself to stay focused, he tried to get his breathing under control, tried to cement himself in the present, focusing on Ivan’s hard body and dismissing the memories as being exactly what they were. “-safe now. I’m here with you, that’s it.” The greasy hold of his memories began to fade, the shame and terror leaving him alone with the man he loved. Opening his eyes, settling himself in a firmer hug, he blinked through his tears, not sure when they spilled over. Proud he’d managed to overcome this barrier, he meant to laugh but it came out as a half-sob. “I-Ivan...It was so overwhelming but I didn’t, I didn’t forget I was here.” Nuzzling his face into the older man’s neck he held in a sob, both  elated and disappointed at his near panic. The tiring, pleasant afterglow began to wear away the edges of his sadness, left him feeling exhausted.  

 

 Ivan... Relaxing his arms, Damien let his back fall against the bed once more. Wiping at his cheeks, he tried to laugh again but it came out in a near sob again. Ivan’s green eyes shimmered with unshed tears, his face kind and smiling. Murmuring a thank you, Damien held in a sucking breath that wanted to turn into a sob, his body wanting to weep. Not wanting to ruin this with crying, he tried to keep the need in. 

 

 “T-Thank you, you were suh-so-” The younger man stammered, finished his sentence with a kiss. Returning the kiss gently, Ivan brushed the bangs from his lover’s sweaty face. His heartbeat was returning to normal, his senses dulling in the wake of his release. “I luh-love you, thank you, Ivan!” Damien spoke between kisses, very much on the verge of lapsing into sobs. No doubt there is a lot of emotions to get through after this hurdle... Laying a soft kiss on his lips, Ivan pulled his face away, watched as his lover turned his face to the side, brought up a hand to hide his pinched lips trying keep in his sobs. “I love you too, Dami, its okay, cry as much as you want. Scream, cry, wail, whatever. Just tell me what you want me to do.”  

 

 Damien managed to get out that he just wanted to be held, in the same breath, said he was heavy. Quick to remedy this, Ivan lifted himself off of his boyfriend, inwardly cringed at the cooling semen spattered around his groin. Damien seemed to have noticed it as well because he hopped off on the other side of the bed and rifled through the drawer next to him. Following suit, grabbing a fresh set of pajama pants from his drawers on his side of the bed, Ivan grabbed a lone sock and dried himself off quickly. The sobs finally found their way out of Damien, he’d finished cleaning himself off and was in knee length boxer shorts. Sitting on the bed’s edge, his head bowed, he cried while hugging his chest. Not wanting him to cry alone, to be alone and drifting after his first orgasm after his rape, Ivan quickly threw the blankets back, shuffled so he was in the middle of the bed.  

 

 “Dami, come here, its okay. I think I might cry too...” A hand lightly caressed his back, drawing him out of his darkening thoughts. Damien turned, forced out of his body memory - this pleasant afterglow was a welcome one, expected. But it wasn’t enough, the hated comparison of this feeling associated with how he’d felt after orgasming with the rapist. Ivan offered his hand and he took it, let himself be guided to the middle of the bed, the blankets gathering around his knees, pulled up to his waist. Sobs had taken him over, the sorrow, the bitterness and part of him wondered how anyone would find him appealing like this.  

 

But Ivan lay on his back, head propped up on the pillows and opened his arms. His eyes were still shiny with unshed tears, his expression a mixture of happy and remorse of some kind. Twisting a little, so he’d be lying on his side, Damien settled himself next to his lover, curled into his body. Ivan’s left arm curled around his back, held him in a firm grip and it reassured him of where he was. Laying his head on the older man’s chest, Damien closed his eyes, let the feeling of safety and security spread through him like a healing balm. Ivan’s other hand came up and stroked through his hair, combing through the short strands. Hugging the older man as best as he could from his position, Damien sucked in a breath as he made an effort to keep his mind blank. The strong feelings of guilt and shame for achieving release, his wanton actions, started try to ruin the warmth he felt in Ivan’s arms. The older man whispered reassurances, told him how brave he was; Damien managed to laugh this time, a quiet sort of chuckle.  

 

 “I’m so p-proud of myself...” He said to himself, to his guilt and shame; more than anything, the memories that ghosted throughout his mind. This lull in the heightened senses, the return to earth had been dark and shameful, a hated experience where the occurrence was mocked and humiliated. Lying here, wrapped up in his boyfriend’s arms, connected and loved, he focused on those feelings instead, wanting to associate the afterglow with these feelings. At some point his cry dwindled into a few odd hiccups, his mind basking in the quiet, serene tenderness. Fingers gently swept along his forehead, brushing his bangs, ever so gently tracing an eyebrow; this was the last thing he remembered before he drifted off to sleep, a smile on his face.  

 


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