A Life not Spent with You

BY : Rin-chan
Category: DarkFic > Slash - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 4294
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental - this is a work of fiction.

"Helllllo from the other sideeee!" I've been very busy - work, work, and more work! Juggling 4 P/T jobs and a couple hobbies really makes the time fly! Hope everyone is having a great 2016 so far! I hope to dive back in to writing. I've really tried to separate character's speaking to a separate line from each other to create less confusion on who is talking. Blah, I have to go through the other chapters... Thanks for reading! BTW, I apologize for any mistakes - my copy/paste first attempt showed no "" for talking, or ' for words...Think I got them all though

TRIGGER WARNING: This story dealts with sexual assault - ye be warned! 

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 Something woke him, pried him from sleep. Jerking slightly, wanting to sit up to look around, Damien reined himself in, scared to move. It was twilight, hard to see around their large master bedroom; the window blinds were up, letting the darkness in. It’d taken a few weeks to get used to having the windows bare. Its probably what's making me so anxious now... For the last week he’d woken up in the night and scanned the room, expecting an intruder. Even here in a new home, the fear of a home invasion followed. The police haven’t contacted us maybe they can’t find him... He pictured a large shape in one of the windows, peering in with his pants undone, hand stroking as he watched. Looking to the window, Damien couldn't’t stop the frightened noise leaving his mouth, a choking sound as he looked to see if his fears were proven right. 

 For the fourth day in a row, Damien had woken suddenly and looked around, surveying the room. Before his abrupt waking, Ivan had been spooning against the younger man’s back in a pleasant doze, not quite asleep as he stroked his sweetheart’s arm. Trembling like he always did, Damien looked to the window first, a small whimper escaping him. Seeing him fret, no doubt afraid of being watched, targeted by the still unknown assailant, Ivan spoke his lover’s name, talking before lightly touching his upper arm. The touch was neutral, and the younger man hardly jumped as he was drawn out of his thoughts. Damien glanced back at him, licking his lips, “Did I wake you? Sorry, I can’t...” 

 The other man halted, lowered his face before laying himself back down, snuggling against his chest. Lying down as well, Ivan loosely wrapped an arm around the younger man’s waist. 
“I keep waking up lately, afraid there’s someone out there. I can’t stop worrying at night that I’I'll see...See someone in the window.” Damien’s voice grew quieter, more fragile until he fell silent, his trembling growing slightly. Glancing at the window, taking in how the blinds were up, Ivan gave him a gentle squeeze. With a tiny sigh, the younger snuggled against him more firmly, as if seeking protection. Glad to give it, the blond lowered his face, murmured into his lover’s ear that it was okay.

 Okay to feel worried, okay to be afraid, okay to not feel safe sometimes. Hearing Ivan’s reassurance helped allay his fears; the warmth in his voice and hushed breath against his hair. The tenderness made him think back of the grinding, the gasps and moans of their lovemaking before their second nap. Breathing in deep, Damien picked up the scent of spilled semen, and his stomach trembled. I finally came... His face heating in an uncomfortable shame, he wet his lips again, not sure if he should share. I shared my body my sounds... Communication was so important, but it certainly was hard to admit things sometimes.

 Sensing a sort of conflict in the younger man, Ivan remained quiet, let him work things out. With permission, Ivan nuzzled his cheek into the crook of Damien’s neck, placed a soft kiss before closing his eyes, relaxing. In his mind, he played through their earlier passion, his heart treasuring the way the younger man had moved with him, gripped him tightly as he met his end. He’d felt safe enough to let go he’s really healing... His boyfriend shifted slightly, before he whispered quietly in a nervous tremble. “That felt so incredible, l-like we were so close my heart was going to break.” Smiling against the soft skin, Ivan waited, sensing his lover wanted to say more.

“I tried a few times, j-jerking off in the shower, I never finished though. I got too nervous, afraid. You help me relax, feel safe enough to...Let go, let you see me so openly.” His words had grown softer, delicate, and made his heart swell with emotion. The younger man made to move so Ivan loosened his hold on him, remained still as Damien scooted a little away from him, laid on his back. His eyes creased in a gentle smile as he whispered a thank you. Strong affection surged through him at the quiet, sincere thanks; Ivan offered a kiss to which his lover closed his eyes, pursed his lips in an adorable way. 

 Soft lips brushed against his, and he felt Ivan’s raised stubble against his cheek. Heat rushed through him and he welcomed it, knowing where it could lead. The tentative touches, the sweet words and sense of achievement as he governed his body to enjoy. Bringing up a hand, lightly cradling the back of the older man’s neck, Damien parted his mouth with a tiny sigh. His nerves sang as their tongues shyly met, flicked against one another in a slow, teasing dance. Opening his eyes a little, peeking, he saw the blond’s eyes were closed, his brows sloped in an anxious arch. He’s probably afraid of pushing me into anything... His desires were his own - as he slowly dragged his tongue against Ivan’s, Damien flushed at the memory of his lover lying on top of him, his familiar weight. I wanted more I wanted all of Ivan... He knew he wasn’t ready, but longed to be closer, to tremble and cry out from the older man’s gentle attention. His face warming, Damien let his kiss grow with his awakening passion.

 Responding to the younger man’s sudden fervor, Ivan let out a groan as the fingers on his neck skimmed upwards along his scalp, made deliciously tantalizing circles. A shiver cascaded down his back, sent heat to his groin. Still on his side, he brought up a hand, rested it on his lover’s shoulder; as he sucked gently on Damien’s tongue, he smoothed his fingers along his neck to his jawline, traced the fine edge. A shudder ran through the smaller man, his eyes opening, half-lidded and sparkling. His breath was growing heavy, color rising in his cheeks - pleased he could affect his lover with just kissing, Ivan reminded himself not to get carried away. 

 “I-Ivan...” All of him trembled, his stomach, his lungs; everything in him shook in his desire. Damien’s skin tingled at the gentle caress Ivan was sure to give, the soft kiss he’d lay upon his lips. The sweetness and tenderness would sweep him away, leave him breathless and wanting. Closing his eyes, letting himself fade in the careful touches of his lover, Damien waited until their lips pressed together once more before smoothing a hand along the older man’s chest, wanting to return the tantalizing sensations. 

Keeping his touch light, ghosting along the bare skin, he smoothed it down, gently rested his hand upon the older man’s hip. Feeling Ivan’s gasp on his mouth, the younger man let out his breath in a shaking sigh and smoothed his hand lower, tracing the line of his inner thigh to the start of his leg. Ivan trembled, panted against his mouth as he caught his wrist suddenly. Worried, uncertain, Damien withdrew his questing hand, apologizing. His face flushed, his mind racing in insecurities. 

 The sudden intimate touches had startled Ivan, his body not quite knowing how to react. Without thinking, his hand shot out, held the younger man’s wrist, stopping him. Afraid Damien felt pressured to do more, afraid of scaring him. His lover apologized quietly as he freed his wrist, his face reddening. Oh hell I’ve upset him... Watching his sweetheart withdraw within himself, Ivan inwardly cursed and gently touched his shoulder. 
“I’m sorry, I was just, startled?” A small laugh escaped him as he weighed out the situation and found it amusing for him to be startled. 
“I wasn’t ready, expecting-” Those touches they need permission... He trailed off uselessly, unsure if making a joke would be wise. To Ivan’s surprise, the younger, his face still flushed, shrugged briefly with a stiff smile on his face.

 “I guess I should have asked if it was okay. Its our thing, now, isn’t it?” Making light of getting permission, Damien hesitated, the joking about himself unfamiliar. He saw mirth shine in the older man’s green eyes and Damien felt his smile become relaxed, warm as he mirrored his lover’s faint sudden grin. There was some heat in those eyes he loved, and his skin prickled all over, his hands wanting to move, to caress Ivan’s body. The blond dropped his gaze as he sometimes did when he spoke seriously.

 “I was just thinking the same thing... I don’t know how to react, especially after what we’d done earlier. I don’t like, wondering if you feel like you have to. In exchange or, hell, I don’t know.” Not knowing what else to say, certain he hadn’t gotten his words right, Ivan ran a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs from his eyes. “I’m happy to wait, I will wait until you’re fully comfortable with doing more.” Glancing at his sweetheart, his heart skipped a beat at the charming pink blush across the younger man’s cheeks. Warmth rushed through Ivan’s body as he still lay on his side, propped up on an elbow. Damien still lay on his back, looking up at him with a trembling desire in his eyes. 

  Damien’s fingers ached to touch, smooth along bare skin and lay kisses everywhere. His stomach quivering, he pictured hearing Ivan gasp and moan as he had done, grinding and moving with the older man. I wanted more of him... The recurrent thought made his blush deeper, and after a quiet inhale of determination, he asked if he had permission to explore. The blond blinked, asked what that entailed. Damien’s desires quelled a moment, his skin prickling with frustration. “I want to see if I can work up the nerve to jerk you off, is that okay with you?” 

 The lilting playfulness, a tone he hadn’t heard since the assault occurred, was edged with impatience. Ivan coughed a little, his face coloring, trying not to grin as he watched the younger man shake his head, groaning a little. 

“That wasn’t terribly romantic... It just came out. Sorry...” 

 The clipped shortness in his lover’s voice showed the uncomfortableness he’d felt in being so blunt. Ivan could understand the discomfort but his heart swelled with the trace of the Damien he knew before the trauma. He’s always been there just nervous anxious...afraid... Drawing out of his thoughts, not wanting the lengthening silence to be construed as disinterest or something negative, the older man gave him a faint grin. 
“No, it wasn’t, but it makes me smile anyway. I’m not going to ask if you’re sure, that’d be insulting...But don’t push yourself, if you want to stop then stop.” He paused, his grin fading a little. “I feel tense, my stomach feels like it’s full of knots. I don’t want you... to get scared.” 

 His own body feeling tense, Damien hesitated for a moment before scooting his body a little away from Ivan before rolling onto his side as well. Facing the blond, he silently cursed himself for blurting out his intention. He knows what I want to do if I don’t will he get frustrated? He’s expecting it now... As he nervously met his older lover’s eyes, Damien relaxed, answered the sweet smile. Those smile lines they always make my heart feel full... They were solely Ivan’s, just as his broad shoulders where he’d kiss, hide his face against when they were close, pressed together. The long torso, where his hips were smooth planes that tapered into his long legs. Rising up, propping himself up on his arm, Damien moved his face forward, reached out to touch his sweetheart’s cheek. Green eyes creased more before closing fully, Ivan leaning forward to meet his kiss. 

 Their lips touched, sending heat throughout his body. Holding Ivan’s face, Damien leaned closer, and gently pushed the older man who followed his guiding, lay down on his back. Shuffling closer, careful not to break the kiss, the younger man felt a shiver run through him as the blond slowly snaked an arm around him, settled on his side. His breath growing heavy, remembering how much he enjoyed he’d showering Ivan with kisses and sweeping fingertips, Damien darted his tongue out.

 Growing hot, Ivan held in a sound as the younger man’s tongue slid along his lips. Smoothing his hand along Damien’s side, caressing the bare skin, he opened his mouth and let his lover move first. The hand upon his cheek trailed down to trace his jaw, thumb gently sweeping down his neck in a slow arch; it was then the younger flicked his tongue into his mouth. Pleasure bloomed at the caressing and the growing kiss, swirling down into his stomach and rushing to his groin. Damien would start their foreplay this way, his hands gradually trailing downwards, each touch seemed to treasure his body. Always taking his time making me feel so loved... Answering the playful flicks, Ivan responded with his own, their tongues meeting. 

 The past lovemaking they’d done pressed upon him like a groove, this pattern familiar to him. Damien felt his mind cloud as he traced Ivan’s collarbone; shuffling closer, he trembled at the feather-light fingertips skimming along his side. His desire was growing, made him want to sigh in pleasure as he kissed his lover. Pressing a hand to Ivan’s chest, he parted their mouths, kissed along his jaw, leaned closer to kiss his ear. Breathing deeper, he lightly nibbled on the ear lobe, relished the small moan the older man gave. Ivan’s free hand came up, gently combed through his hair; Damien gave his own moan, his body rushing with heat. All so familiar, he gave the shell of the ear one slow swirl, tracing the edge before kissing down the blond’s neck. 

 The younger man’s breath had grown heavier, Ivan could swear he heard lust sigh at the end of each breath. His heart pounding, he moved his hand to sweep the dark bangs behind his lover’s ear. Damien looked up at that, his eyes shining as they met his; whispering his name, the younger man gave him a kiss before shuffling his body so he could kiss his shoulder. His groin throbbed, his cook hardening at the sweet touches the younger man made. Lips ghosted along his collarbone, trailed down to his chest. With his hand, Damien now slowly made circles along his chest, making Ivan’s stomach tighten. Is he really...? Sweat forming on his brow, Ivan let out a shaky breath, stammering his lover’s name as fingers traced around one of his nipples before gently tweaking it. Sensitive there, his body jerked, not used to the attention. 

 Hearing his name sighed, Damien felt his thinking part of his brain fade further. Loving to hear Ivan enjoy his caresses, he opened his eyes slightly, saw the older man’s stomach move in his quickened breaths. Smiling, he played with the pert nub, brought his lips from the man’s sternumn to find the other nipple, suckle gently on it. Once more the older man’s body jerked, his voice hoarse as he told him it felt good. A hand gently touched his hair, waited a second before trailing through his shortened locks. Pausing his ministrations, enjoying the tenderness Ivan showed him, Damien opened his eyes. His face was working its way down Ivan’s body, and he saw his hard length tenting his pyjama bottoms. His stomach clenched suddenly for no reason, confused for a second, Damien withdrew his face, looked up to the older man. His face was flushed, his breathing rough as his eyes were shut tight. At his moving, Ivan opened his eyes, looked to him. The blank pleasantness he’d felt as he’d ghosted down the blond’s body up till now evaporated. Trying to hide his thoughts, suddenly dark and full of comparisons, Damien felt Ivan’s enjoyment screech to a halt as well. Irritated at his one-track mind, fighting to make himself slip into the heated cloud of desire, he uttered a groan. Turning his face he rested his head and hand upon his lover’s chest and felt disgust rise in his own stomach. 

 Their lazily spinning cloud of contentment had been thrown off balance, disappearing and leaving them here in their bed. Ivan felt his mouth go dry rapidly, unsure if he’d said anything or touched without thinking. His lover’s mood had suddenly plummeted, grown cold and uncertain. “Dami, what is it? Did I-”

 “No, you nothing...Its me, I just... I forgot about all that mess when I was kissing you. I happened, to look down and see you hard. I thought of it, came out of nowhere.” Never saying the word, no need to elaborate, Damien fell silent after adding on a weak apology. A hand came up to tousle his hair, and after a moment’s wait, remained, fingers tracing his scalp. 
“Oh shush, I thought I scared you by saying something or touched you wrong...I got lost in your kissing, the way you trace along everywhere. Like you cherish everything about me...” The older man’s chest rumbled in his low voice, his breath slowly becoming normal again. 

 His cheek warming, Damien felt a silly smile cross his face, glad his emotions came through his actions. He loved to be the man of Ivan’s life, to see those eye-creasing smiles and receive the light kisses when he came home. To be the one who got to touch him so intimately, to lie in bed and join him in dreaming. Thinking of this stirred the heat still pooled in his abdomen, sparks still there. Although his stomach felt tight in apprehension, he focused on the good things. But as he tried to relax, his body started to tremble in fear, remembering how much damage and pain a man’s erection could inflict. 

 The younger had remained quiet, one hand touching his chest lightly smoothing along his skin. This silence was alright, Ivan could sense his dearest trying to reconfigure his thoughts and it seemed to be working. Then out of nowhere he’d started to tremble. Wanting to sit up, Ivan stopped himself, smoothed his hand through his lover’s hair. 

“Darling, whats wrong?” His question was answered in a head shake, the hand upon his chest sliding to hug his waist, holding firmly. Returning the half-embrace, Ivan let his breath out, calming his own body back to neutral. He must be scared... Damien had told him once that out of nowhere he’d get a thought that dragged his whole mood down, his body slipping into survival mode. Its his first time wanting to try stroking me I’m surprised he got this far... The other man’s silence was hard to bear; stroking his hair, Ivan leaned his head up, and managed to place a kiss on his crown.
 
 “Its alright...” Ivan’s tone was soft and next to his ear and without meaning to, Damien compared it to the harsh, exact tone the rapist had used. Hissing against his ear as hands clasped his head, twisting his neck. “You make one sound and I’ll snap your fucking neck.” The weight of that promise had immobilized Damien, those clipped words freezing him as his neck grossly throbbed in pain. 

 Fingers gently combed through his hair, the gesture comforting and sweet. Eyes closed, Damien concentrated on his breathing, keeping it slow and deep. Calming himself, trying to relax against his lover, he smiled briefly at the light tracing of Ivan’s fingers along his scalp. The gesture utterly soothing, he let the tightness in his stomach go. Feeling safe and connected, he thought back on how reassuring those feelings were after he’d orgasmed. So different compared to his orgasm reaction to being raped. There was tenderness and love, and trust. He’d shared his nervousness, shared his sounds, and tipped over the edge all while clinging to his lover. 

 Tension started to coil in his stomach once more as he spurred his hand to move. Still resting his cheek upon his lover’s chest, Damien wet his drying lips and moved his arm slung around the older man’s waist. Feeling Ivan freeze, holding his breath, the younger man felt an uncertain tremble run down his back before lightly ghosting his hand lower, skim along the flat plane of his lover’s abdomen. The hand that traced through his hair left abruptly, trembled lightly as it touched his shoulder, hugged him. His cheeks growing hotter, Damien winced, unease stirring in his own abdomen. What if its too soon I want to but I’ll think of hard stabbing pain... Making himself anxious, the younger man let out his breath and listened to his lover’s deepening breaths. 


 The hand brushed along the hem of his pajama pants and made him bite his lower lip. As intrigued as his body was to the pleasant touches, Ivan felt sweat bead along his body. He was tense, and with effort, tried not to squeeze Damien’s shoulder too tightly as his lover pressed his palm along, ghosting along the fabric, perilously close to his stirring groin. He’ll get scared again I know it I dont’ want to scare him or frighten him make him “owe” me something please... Almost wanting the other man to stop, Ivan made a choked sound as fingers skimmed along his trapped erection, tracing the line. The younger man started, his arm flexing away.

 “No, its okay. I’m just, nervous.” Rather than find it humorous, Damien found it a little saddening and nodded against Ivan’s chest. His mood grew less charged and more reflective. I’m tense and nervous Ivan is too... Once more, the younger man was reminded of how his assault affected them both and not solely him. The first week Damien had been too shocked to realize this, and as the weeks passed, he’d noticed more and more of how much Ivan had been affected by this trauma. Feeling glad to be here, start finding their sexuality once more, Damien steeled himself and let his hand return to the older man’s groin. Tracing the erection’s edge, he swallowed hard at Ivan’s held in sound. Focusing on his lover’s reaction, he gently cupped the hard, trapped length and felt his body flush with heat and Ivan’s hips involuntarily pressing into his hand. 

 Biting back a moan, Ivan cursed inwardly at his hips moving on their own. The tentative touches had heat stirring in his groin, driving his body into a low-key frenzy of wanting more. The anxious tension conflicted against it, made him feel restless and uneasy. It feels good but I’m afraid to enjoy it what it something I do upsets Dami god this conflict is this what he feels when we kiss and touch? To try to steer his body from naturally enjoying to curbing the sensations, govern over it. Absentmindedly, Ivan stroked Damien’s shoulder, enjoying the bare skin. 

 “Ah, Dami!” His older sweetheart gasped, squeezing his shoulder in a pleasing way. Damien had let his cupping hand slide in an upward stroke, and gently downward. Hearing his sounds, feeling how hard his lover was, Damien felt his heart beat strongly as he repeated the motion just as slow. A memory tried to take root but he brushed it away with ease - he was here with his beloved, making him feel good. Stroking again, he let his breath out in a sigh as Ivan’s hips rose into his touch, another groan escaping the older man. Overcome with something tender, Damien lifted his cheek from Ivan’s chest, looked to see the sweetheart’s face wince with pleasure.

 The stimulation seemed magnified, Ivan’s body welcoming the uncommon attention. His lover quickened his pace, and suddenly his cheek left his chest. Looking up at his dark-haired lover, Ivan felt emotion swell in his chest as their eyes met. A sad sweet smile creased around those azure eyes he loved so - about to ask about the sadness, Ivan let out a high moan as fingers no longer cupped but circled around him and made a stroking, firm ring. His legs jerked, his toes curling as the pleasure increased largely. His arm hugging Damien’s shoulder squeezed sharply and he apologized, sweat forming across his face. The younger man shook his head,

“Its okay, its okay...” 

 Shuffling so he was closer, Damien leaned his face towards Ivan’s and eagerly, his lover lifted his head. Not quite reaching, Ivan made to sit up; following suit, Damien knelt, hands in his lap. He watched as Ivan sat up, scooted back so his back was resting against the headboard, propped up on their pillows. This brief halt had him uncertain once more, the charged desire dissipating for Damien as unwelcome thoughts began to crop up. The blond man shook his bangs from his eyes, and beckoned him to come closer, an arm held out as if to embrace him. Understanding, wanting to hear those sounds again, Damien curled against Ivan’s side, enjoying the heavy weight of his arm resting around his shoulder’s. Taking in the pink flush across his face, the heat in the older man’s eyes, the smaller man happily accepted Ivan’s offered kiss with a small moan. Their tongues met, a shy flicking before passion ignited the timid touches to a heated union. Ivan’s other hand swept gently through his hair, and with a shudder, Damien let his hand drift down once more to Ivan’s lap, resume the slow stroking.

 With their new position, Ivan could feel Damien’s obvious enjoyment, his boxers very thin. As much as he enjoyed his lover’s ministrations, he wanted to make his sweetheart feel just as good. His body heating with pleasure, Ivan carefully combed his fingers through the smaller man’s short locks and then withdrew from their kiss. Lust-darkened blue eyes met his equally lusty green eyes, those blue orbs smiling at a particularly firmer stroke. Laughing, the blond gave his sweetheart a gentle squeeze around his shoulder’s.

“Can I touch you too? Same as me?” The older man made clear what he’d meant. Damien’s body shivered, knowing he’s have to calm his reactions, hold back memories. This sudden change of gears slowed his stroking, as he pictured himself flashbacking, ruining what was a milestone. Lips touched his forehead, a loving gesture. Words whispered against his skin,

“I want to hear you too, darling, make you cry out.”

 Remembering how it was to be in Ivan’s arms earlier as he clung to him, pressing himself closer in passion, Damien nodded. Cleared his throat and gave permission. His older lover knew going straight to it wasn’t the way. His breath mounting little by little, Damien let out a gasp as Ivan kissed his cheek, gently nipped on his earlobe. The arm around his shoulders gave him another gentle squeeze, the other hand coming up to lightly trace his collarbone. Lips continued to nibble at his ear, one of his sensitive spots; heat pooled in his groin, made him grit his teeth. Reminding himself he was safe, he tried to relax his tense body. His skin seemed electric, Ivan’s ghosting hand along his breastbone making him moan. Forgetting in his enjoyment, Damien slowly started to stroke his lover once more, elicting a sound deep in the blond’s chest.

 Keeping slow, Ivan parted his lips, slid his tongue teasingly down at where the earlobe anchored, loving the pleased noise he received in return. Damien’s stroking had resumed once more - more than anything he wanted to get his lover caught up, feel the same. But I have to keep slow going too fast will upset him pleasure isn’t the goal... It was more rewarding to witness Damien regain himself, be trusted this much. Suckling gently along his sweetheart’s neck, Ivan closed his eyes at the low moan. There was an edge of fear in it, that made him pause.

 “Luv, are you okay?” The concerned words were laced in desire, he could hear it. Damien bit back his answer, nodded. His eyes felt damp as he coaxed his body into relaxing, enjoying. He wants to keep going if I stop here he won’t want to try again... He wanted to keep going, to allow himself to take in the pleasure but he knew where it would lead. Damien pictured Ivan eventually stroking him, faster and faster and it’d lead to him orgasming. That feeling I’m scared it’ll make me flashback it did earlier but I fought it off what if this time I really panic think I’m back there Ivan will be disappointed and blame himself...

 His lover had nodded, but Ivan sensed something was wrong. He’d withdrawn his face from the other man’s neck, lightly caressed his arm with his embracing arm. To his surprise Damien started to shake, his breath catching and not in a good way. Oh sweets... Asking if a memory was troubling him, he’d gotten no reply, just saw the younger man’s downcast face fill with nervousness. His skin cooling, the heat growing in his lap fading, Ivan didn’t care as he gently took Damien’s still hand from his softening length. This seemed to stir his sweetheart from his thoughts.

“I’m sorry, I just-” His face flushing with embarassment, Damien made to grasp Ivan once more; the blond’s hand held him from it. Stupid took too long thinking... Certain Ivan would be disappointed at being shut down, he tried again. The older man easily kept his hand from his lap, and gently guided it upwards, lay their hands upon his chest above his heart.

“Don’t apologize, darling, its okay.”

“Its not okay, I keep...shutting things down.” The bitterness surprised him, and Ivan definitely caught the unspoken revisement. Shifting a little so he could lean back, see his lover’s face better, the older man hated to see the dejected wince as those blue eyes met his briefly.
“You mean shut me down. Dami, don’t feel bad. Its okay to change your mind midway, halfway, if we’re in the middle of intercourse and you ask me to stop, I will stop immediately.” He saw Damien bit his lip, his cheeks a dull red. Disliking at how upset Damien was at ‘shutting down’ things, Ivan brushed his thumb along his sweetheart’s hand.
“I guess its really difficult, trying to separate things. I understand if out of nowhere your body and mind suddenly panic, that you don’t mean to, it just happens. You survived a very difficult event, sweetheart...Don’t apologize. Anytime you are uncertain, you feel scared, not into it anymore, tell me, please. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep going.”

 As Ivan’s voice got softer, Damien’s eyes grew more damp. Before his attack, he’d perhaps cried twice, maybe three times since knowing Ivan. Since his attack though, anything too emotional was suddenly filtered out of him via tears; Damien took a moment to, yet again, wish this wasn’t permanent. His eyes grew blurry as he heard the love in Ivan’s voice.

“It’d break my heart if I think I’m making you feel amazing when truly, you’re fighting not to cry and terrified inside. I don’t want to do that to you, make you do something you don’t want to.” A few tears spilled over, Ivan watched them, and slowly kissed them away. A hitching breath squeezed through Damien’s chest, and he hugged him; the blond returned the hug. An easy silence fell on them for a minute. Knowing they should prepare for bed, brush their teeth, he started to move. The younger man understood, and they got up, stood. As they pulled the blankets back, replaced the pillows, the blond tried to lighthearted joke.

“Besides, if you’re worried I’ll get blue, I have a hand to take care of that.” Ivan tipped a wink, but his face held no real mirth. 

Damien saw this, and tried to joke as well, “Is that why you take so long in the shower then?”

“...Not really. I actually haven’t...come until today with you. I’d tried a couple times, but after a minute, I felt uneasy. I think knowing you were so upset really shook me up.”

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