A Life not Spent with You

BY : Rin-chan
Category: DarkFic > Slash - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 4294
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental - this is a work of fiction.

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains details of sexual assault that may be upsetting to some readers! Ye be warned! Thank you for the reviews and votes, this was pretty hard to write, this chapter... >< Please enjoy!

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 At some point he realized he was drifting out of sleep's hold, being pulled from the blessedly calm ocean of his dreamless slumber. Damien kept his eyes closed, not wanting the instant overload of anxiety and endless worrying. Being awake was tiring, a constant rush of activity and tension in his body as it tried to protect itself from every possible threat. Ivan's arm was loosely wrapped around his waist, draping over him comfortingly; the younger smiled briefly and settled himself into the curve of his body. Then froze, blinking his tired eyes open, his heartbeat jumping as he realized he'd turned onto his side in the night, and with the older man curling against his back.

 Wide awake now, a sliver of fear rippled through him, a flash of memory of weight pushing on his back, the half-scream he gave. No stop it if I could sleep like this I shouldn't fret about it now... Taking a shallow, deep breath, he let his eyes flutter closed again, tried to banish away the intruding memories. The older man moved ever so slightly in his sleep, his breath light against his neck. Shivers ran down his spine, their spooning embrace reminding him of what took place a couple days ago.

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“I-Ivan, please stop teasing me!” Mewling, he twisted his head to look back and up to see the pleased smile in the older man's eyes. Lips kissed along his neck, suckled at his earlobe, making him whimper as he tried to wriggle back as he lay on his side, wanting to seal their bodies together. A hand skimmed around his waist, trailed down to give his hard cock an agonizingly slow stroke. Moaning, he ducked his head towards his chest, some of his bangs escaping from his loose ponytail. “Please I can't wait!

“If you insist,” His lover chuckled, took hold of his hips and steadied him. Heart pounding hard, he felt Ivan guide himself between his cheeks and pushed forwards. Ivan kissed up his neck, his shoulder as he slipped inside, gave him time to adjust. Gasping, Damien blinked the sweat from his eyes, “Oh god, you feel so damn good!” Turning his head, he blindly offered a kiss and got a searing one in return, their lips crushing together just as Ivan started to draw back, press forwards, filling him. Crying out, he threw out the arm under him to keep him from being pushed off the bed, gave him leverage to push back as they rocked together.

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 Knowing he'd probably never have that mindless abandon in sex, or other aspects of his life, again, was difficult to bear. Although he felt like crying, yet again, the tears didn't come. Maybe I dried up my tear ducts in the last day... The sorrow was too deep for surface happenings like water dripping from his eyes – as he sadly mused and remembered, an ache in some place he didn't know was there, started in his chest. In reaction, Damien tried to curl himself into a ball, as if the hurt would lessen the smaller he got. His lover's arm tightened slightly around his waist, his hand patting in comfort. Abruptly, the younger tried to bury all the emotions, hoping acting normal would make it a reality. Waiting a few second though, he realized Ivan was still sleeping. He's not even awake and he's comforting me... Touched, he relaxed into his sweetheart's hold and cuddled closer, feeling protected.

 Its actually kind of nice...Laying here like this...  The beginnings of lust had started as he reminisced; again, they twisted tendrils in his abdomen as he settled himself against Ivan's body. A shaky breath left him as he winced at the sensation, once welcomed and sought for. Now his views on sex was tainted, an uncontrollable energy, degrading. Its not like that...Ivan would never push me into it or make me feel that way...

  Eyes closing, he grimaced, wanted to bring up his hands to hide his face. I told him what happened during...that night... A part of him felt better for having shared the secret, another part was still afraid of the talk that was surely to happen when Ivan awoke. I was terrified and hated every second of it why did I orgasm? I can still hear him taunting me... The unending shame that filled him as he cried, being brutally violated and tried to stand from his kneeling position and failed, still disorientated from the stunning hit to his head. His eyes prickled with tears, and suddenly he didn't want to be held anymore. I don't think I'll ever enjoy sex again... If he never did, would Ivan still stay around? Everyone had needs, what if they split up over it? At that moment, he felt the older man stir, the hand around him tightening. Trembling finely, Damien finally did hide his face, tried to still his growing tears.

 As soon as he started to wake, he realized how they'd moved in the night. Ivan froze, blinked the sleep away, cautious not to startle his lover. Oh hell just slowly move away and don't wake him! Pressed snugly against the curve of the younger's body, the blond didn't even harbour the tiniest desire as he tried to figure out how to go about moving. “Its okay, I'm not bothered by it...” The raven-haired man murmured softly, some emotion heavy in his voice. Calming slightly, Ivan floundered for a moment, and wriggled a little away from the younger, gave him a little space. Damien was trembling ever so slightly, made him curious though he didn't hear any sounds of crying. Taking a chance, the older man took his hand away from his lover's waist and tucked a few bangs over his ear. “Good morning, how was your sleep?”

 “Alright, I don't think I woke up after...that one time.” His words were shaky now, and he brought up his knees more, as if to curl himself into a ball. Remembering the conversation, how upset the younger was, Ivan merely nodded, then realized the younger wouldn't see it. “That's great, luv, I'm glad you managed to sleep like this...” He playfully leaned his head forwards, lightly nuzzled his face against the tousled black locks of his lover's hair. Damien chuckled, a bright and happy sound that gave him hope. Setting his head back down, Ivan fought not to nibble on his lower lip as he picked his words carefully. “I wanted to say, thank you for telling me about what happened...I can't imagine how difficult it was to share.”

 The warm sincerity in the older man's voice soothed some sore ache in his heart. Damien remained still as his lover collected his thoughts. “We don't have to talk about anything, its whenever you feel comfortable. But really, knowing something like that is extremely appreciated. I'll keep it in mind, and make certain to not do anything without your say so.” Hearing exactly what he needed to hear, the younger only nodded, and closed his eyes in relief, the darkening clouds at the dreaded conversation dissipating. Not wanting to ruin the brighter morning it was turning out to be, he decided to bring this up again later in the day.

 A loud, shrill ringing broke the silence, Ivan's phone. The older man rose his head up off the pillows to see the nightstand table, see and hear the vibrating thing. “I'll let it go to voicemail....” His lover settled down again, hand brushing lightly across his arm after getting permission. The sharp spike in adrenaline, the certainty that the call was about him and his crisis began to ebb as the phone stopped its shrieking. Lazily, his thoughts slowed, enjoying the serene atmosphere of having feather light patterns traced on his arm.

 The phone began to ring again, somehow more urgently, though it was the same sound as before. Frowning, Ivan lifted his head again, glanced to see the clock saying it was 7:19AM. It was far too early to have someone calling. Muttering an apology, Ivan pressed an absentminded kiss to his lover's shoulder and carefully freed himself of their embrace. Padding around the bed, Ivan picked up the phone and opened it. Bailey's photo icon jiggling merrily to the old-fashioned telephone ring. A shot of dread filled him as he glanced at Damien, who had sat up in an awkward position.

 The second he answered it, he heard his friend gasp in what sounded like worry. Suddenly nervous, Ivan offered a hello and his grip tightened on the phone at his best friend's stammering voice. “I-Ivan, I, uh...T-the news, I'm so sorry!” To his shock, Bailey started to cry. Oh no no no no please don't say its true... “I-its in the morning paper today, a confirmed a-assault, oh my god, is D-Damien alright?” The wrenching sorrow in the younger man's voice was hard to listen to.

 As he watched Ivan frowning as he answered the phone, Damien felt his insides fill with ice water at the blank look of shock fill the older man's face. His green eyes darted to him, an apologetic cringe on his brow. “I-Ivan, who is it? Whats wrong?” Ivan shook his head, to Damien's surprise, he heard what sounded like Bailey crying on the phone. “Bailey, calm down, please!” Voice firm and a little above speaking level, the blond reached out, touched his shoulder. Stomach heavy suddenly, so heavy, Damien mindlessly shook his head, Please don't tell me...Does he know?

 “-my way to work and I'm on the train when I flip to a page and it mentioned your apartment building and-! Oh fuck, I'm r-rambling, can I talk to Damien? Please, I'll feel better hearing his voice.” Totally unsure what to do, Ivan asked for a minute and if he could call back right away.  Scared how Damien would react, Ivan took a couple nervous breaths and let them out, sat beside him and gently took hold of his shoulders. The younger blinked at the contact, looked frightened at his sudden seriousness. “I-Ivan, what happened? Why was Bailey-” Ivan shook his head, steeling himself.

“Its about you, oh fuck...Apparently they published a-a story, in the newspaper. Honey, please, no don't!” Whispering his plea, Ivan let his hands follow as his lover ducked his head, his upper body falling forwards as if in a faint. Hearing the younger gasp, breath hitching, the blond steadied his own emotions and kept his hands gentle as he loosely gripped his arms. “E-everyone will know! P-people at work and my friends, oh god my fam-family...” His words were losing to the dangerously powerful sobs trying to get out.

 Ivan knelt on the ground, reaching up to stroke the younger's head as his long locks spilled around him like a curtain. “And they'll only want to know that you're alive and in one piece! Bailey just wants to hear your voice and know that you're okay, everyone that reads that story and knows its you will only want to know you're alright! Oh sweetheart...” His lover suddenly leaned forwards, arms wrapping around his neck, pulling them in a tight embrace. Immediately, Ivan brought his arms up to hold him, smoothing his hair. His privacy and personal affairs being shown to the world...I'd be beyond crying...I'd want to hide away under a rock for the rest of my life... How he hated to hear his lover cry, feel his chest jerk as he pulled in another half breath before he wept it out.

 Embarrassment boiled hot, the images of him walking into work and everyone looking at him, knowing what had happened. Can't even fight off another person weak and pathetic I can hear my mother now “that's what happens when you live an indecent lifestyle!” Damien coughed, tried to stop the wretched noises coming out of him, clinging to the older man. Ivan stroked his back, shushing in his ear, whispered reassurances. Miserably, the younger shut his eyes tight, feeling violated again by his secret unleashed via media. “I-I'm a stat-statistic now...”

 “No, Damien, no, you're not just a number, I'm sorry your privacy's gone on the window.” Pulling out of his arms, Ivan pressed a kiss to his lover's forehead, and ridiculously, the younger laughed somehow.

“I think its gone to the moon and back...” A surprised laugh escaped him, Ivan shrugged his shoulders slightly, “Probably, but don't think like that, you're not just a statistic, sweets. You mean the world to me, and to everyone that knows you.” His lover's tear-streaked face ducked low, his cheeks a dull red. “You survived, you're here and alive, and anyone that tries to make light of what happened isn't worth your time.”

 Feeling unsteady, trying to get used to the idea of everyone suddenly knowing, Damien nodded sadly. He'd decided earlier to not tell anyone, to let time pass until he'd began to think of disclosing it. And to very few friends in at a certain time and place. But when would it ever be appropriate time or place...? At a party, pull dear friend aside and say 'oh a couple years ago this happened, did you know that?'. Things like this just never came up. A bit heartened that this crying spell was relatively quick and fast-dying, he wiped at his cheeks, and took a deep breath. The older man still knelt before him, his hands holding his as they rested on his knees. Being scrunched up and leaning like this doesn't hurt too much...I'm healing...

 “I wanted to keep it, to myself...I wanted the choice...” A wistful expression clouded over the younger's bruised face. Nodding silently, Ivan patted his hand, eager to listen but his lover said no more. Another choice he was robbed of... Leaning down, he kissed the back of one of his hands, smoothed the skin with a light brush of the thumb. “Bailey wants to talk to you, he'd read it on his way to work. Are you up for it?” Damien stiffened, his gaze growing unfocused for the shimmer of a second. Squeezing his hand, he nodded, and asked for the phone.

 Stomach quivering in agitated tension, the raven-haired man gripped the phone as it rung once, twice. Hearing the phone connect, his mouth went dry. “Ivan, is that you? I'm sorry to call so early, I didn't realize-” Clearing his throat, grimacing at the pain, Damien took a deep breath and tried to sound normal. “B-Bailey, its me.” Those three words alone seemed monumental, impossible to form. The older man went silent, made him nervous. He won't laugh but I don't think I can take being coddled or fussed over like a poor little lamb...

“Damien, its so good to hear your voice! I'm so sorry for what happened, how are you doing?” He could sense Bailey itching to say more – he was quite the chatterbox when he was nervous – and the younger man was glad to have a chance to gather his thoughts. “I've been better,” He half laughed, his cheeks warm with shame. What is he thinking does he think its my fault? Does he know the whole story? Was my statement published? Throat growing tight with tears again, he tried not to stammer. “I-I'm alright, a little banged up, feeling like I'm go-going crazy...”

 Ivan got up from the floor and sat next to him on the edge of the bed, silently offered his hand. Grasping it, Damien brought up his free hand and rubbed at his watery eyes. “Yeah, I've been better. I-Ivan's been here with me, I got out of the hospital yesterday early morning and we're at a hotel now. T-the police were collecting evi-evidence at the-” He trailed off, couldn't continue as humiliation choked his air. Slumping towards the older man, he held the phone away as he hitched in a shuddering breath, tried hard not to weep again. Ivan lifted his arm, and slung it around his shoulders, kissed his temple. “If there's anything I can do, I'm here for you, Dami! You're here still, you did everything right! I-I have to run, I got off the train to call you. Listen, can I call you after work? If you want I can come visit you? I completely understand if you're not up for it.”

“N-no, it'd be great to see you, thank you. I'm sure Ivy's bored staying in this hotel...” After exchanging goodbyes, he hung up and let his arm drop from his ear, feeling hollow. A blessed silence filled the room, though his thoughts were loud and dizzying. It drained him considerably in that very quick phone call, Damien couldn't imagine going over that same reassurances multiple times. I need to read that article... Turning his face, he rested his cheek on the older man's chest, swallowing hard. “Bailey wants to visit maybe, if I feel up for it later today. I don't know how I'll react...” He felt Ivan nod, his arm still wrapped around his shoulders. Comforted, Damien steeled himself against the anxious flutter in his stomach. “Can you look up the news story please?”

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 A break-and-entry as well as sexual assault occurred Friday evening at approximately nine thirty. The victim, a twenty-five year old man, was taken to the General Hospital for treatment and was released hours after. This attack took place the Candlewick Apartments in West Borough, no leads. The police would like to advise the public to be cautious and report any suspicious behaviour. Any person with information pertaining to the crime is asked to contact authorities.

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 Reading it again, Ivan made sure not to lean too close as he stood behind his boyfriend. Damien slouched in the chair, not moving. Unsure what to do, the blond gently rested his hand on the younger's shoulder, “Dami?” The slighter man dipped his head, gave a sad sigh. “They didn't mention my name...Maybe no one will figure it out...” Although he understood, Ivan bit back his opinion that hiding wasn't always the best course of action. “I think Bailey realized it when he stopped by for tennis yesterday morning and learned the police were at our apartment all night.” Damien looked up at this, then reached out, flipped the laptop screen down and closed it shut.

“I feel sorta...reluctant to see him, I don't know why...” Voice trailing off, Damien tried to understand why he felt a low level of dread seeping through him at the idea of seeing Bailey. “I know he's your best friend, I mean, he's my friend too, but I've never really gotten to know too much of him, he jokes around so much its hard to.” Turning around in his chair, he glanced up at his lover's face, eyes faltering at the question in the older man's eyes. “I don't think he'll, I'm not scared he'll treat me differently, I just-” Breaking off with an aggravated groan, he rubbed his face in one slow motion with single hand. “I'm tired of thinking so much...Every sentence is 'I'. How are you doing, Ivan?”

 Surprised at being asked, Ivan considered this question for a few moments. After a quick glance behind him, he stepped away from the back of the chair, and sat himself on the edge of the bed behind him. “I'm doing alright, just trying not to make things worse. The last thing I want to do is pressure you or make you worry I'll get fed up and call it quits. Knowing what you told me last night really helped define some guidelines in my head. In the garden,' He paused, seeing the darkening flush to the younger's face. “I thought I frightened you, though in a way, I guess I did....”

 “I can't believe I c-came during...Why, does that mean I enjoyed it somehow? How twisted and fucked up must I be?” His lover asked thinly, face going pale suddenly as he hugged himself, crumpling in on himself. Quick to disagree, Ivan shook his head vehemently, forced himself to stay in his seat. Quit touching him all the time he's not a child that needs babying! “Not at all, its just how the human body is wired. All the body needs is stimulus to certain things and it'll react automatically.” He meant to stop there, but his lover seemed riveted by this information, reassurance. “No matter how horrific your ordeal was, how opposed you were to your attack, your body only reacted how it was programmed to. “

Damien's gaze lowered, away from his, and he cringed slightly. “So my body did betray me.”

 Sitting here, the younger felt a part of his heart break away, shatter in response to his statement. The truth was a bitter thing to swallow, all the knowledge in the world wouldn't take away the greasy hold of certainty that he'd somehow enjoyed being raped. When it happened oh I cried and panicked and he laughed hearing him blame me and I believed I was so sick and disgusting even if its just wiring a part of me believed it and now I'm never going to be sure... A bright flare of anger spurted in his chest, at the shadow man and all that led him here on Sunday morning hiding in a hotel rather than be at home and happy. Eyes darting to glance at Ivan, Damien saw the helpless expression on the older man's face, for what sort of response could he say? “I think thats the worst. I'll heal physically, m-maybe have some scars but,” He halted, tried to put his grief into words, “But feeling safe and secure, trusting my body again...”

 “Being in our apartment right now, I just can't do it. I-I'm terrified of having to go back soon, Ivan, but in a couple weeks, maybe a month I can go back. Just having time away from it will make it better but I can't do that with muh-my body, I can-can't just leave until I feel ready and able.”

 Ivan walked the few steps and stooped low, still giving him space. As his lover spoke, his voice grew hoarse and shaky as tears welled up in his eyes. When his stammer got worse, he brought up his hands to hide his face. “I'm so suh-sorry, I can't stop crying, fucking hate it! I don't think I'll ever like k-kissing or fucking again, will you l-leave me if I take too long?” Throat tight with his own grief, Ivan shook his head, fretted over whether or not to touch the younger. Deciding he was too far gone in his weeping, the blond touched his shoulder hesitantly, “Never, Damien, as much time as you need, even if you never sex me up again!” Voice firm, Ivan knelt, and gently tried to coax the younger to sit up and out of the slouched position he was in as he sat in the computer chair. “Please, luv, you don't ever have to worry about that!”

 “B-but everyone has needs, after a few months y-you'll get frustrated and bored and-” His lover broke off, and finally lifted his face from his hands. Ivan had a bare second to taken in the angry purple his bruise had become in his weeping, the glistening crystal tears in his gorgeous blue eyes before their mouths crushed together. Shocked into inaction, Ivan tried to force himself to move, unable to as Damien nibbled at his lower lip. The younger man was still crying; feeling the choppy, sharp pants against his mouth as he sobbed was beyond heartbreaking.

  Damien quelled the raging fear and uneasiness he felt as he tried to dart his tongue out against his lover's. Hands sought his upper arms and firmly pushed him back; not to be dissuaded, the younger man surged forwards, clutched at his shoulders. A wave of nausea swept through his lower abdomen, their kiss bringing him no feeling but great reluctance. “Damien, stop! Stop it!” Wincing at the near shout, he faltered, where Ivan took the chance to hold him at arm's reach. “Puh-please, I'll be fine, j-just let me get th-through it once and I'll be fine!” Through his tears and fighting sobs, he didn't see the devastated look come over his boyfriend's face.

 “No, no, this is not the way, sweetheart.” Shaking his head, mind reeling the agony and fear his lover was willing to go through, Ivan took a deep breath. Inadequacy again filled him. I'm going to say something wrong and he'll remember oh fuck his head is so dark right now! “Look at me, I'm not saying no because I think you're spoiled or ruined or anything like that! You're hurting right now, and I can't touch you like that, and I won't.” Eyes watery, Ivan breathed out a sigh of relief as his lover crumpled forwards, his arms sliding out of his loosened grip and grasping around him with a surprising strength. Half uttered apologies came out in a rush against his neck, feeling the hot tears moisten his shoulder only added to the difficulty of staying strong. Clasping his arms about his lover, the blond propped his chin over the younger's thin shoulder. “Its okay, we're going to make it through this! You have nothing to apologize for!” Kneeling still, he gently tugged Damien from the chair, and guided him to sit with him on the floor. Somehow through this torrent of sorrow, the slighter man managed to choke out that he needed to eat so he could have his antibiotics. So they called room service again and sat on one of the beds, wrapped up in an embrace while they waited.

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