A Life not Spent with You

BY : Rin-chan
Category: DarkFic > Slash - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 4294
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental - this is a work of fiction.

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains details of sexual assault that some readers may find upsetting! Thank you for the reads and reviews!


The drive was full of tension, it grated on Damien's nerves as he fought the urge to cross his arms, make himself as small as possible. He stolidly remained gazing out the window; the light rain misted the window, distorted his view of the cars as they pulled up at a red light. The silence was deafening, and try as he might he couldn't find it in him to talk. What could I say? I'm sorry we currently live in a hotel? I'm sorry I can't get a handle or keep myself from crying every five minutes? Although he slept away most of the day, he still felt exhausted, so tired. His body was sore all over, his head ached with the constant activity. As Ivan eased the car forwards, Damien sneaked a glance over to see the slump of his boyfriend's posture. His blond bangs hid his eyes, his lips set in a saddened tilt. Without thinking, his hand jerked ever so slightly to reach out, touch his arm, offer comfort. I'm making him upset... He bit his lip, and looked out his window again.

 More and more, Ivan could feel something chip away at their relationship. It sought for their roots, would dissolve it if possible. But the more he wondered how to make it stop, the worse he guessed he'd ruin things. Tightening his hold on the wheel for a brief second, he set his chin in a determined line and kept his mouth shut. If I talk about anything he'll think I'm distracting him if I ask him about anything too serious he'll clam up if I touch him he'll withdraw even more... Feeling trapped, he focused all his effort on looking for the right street to turn on, and signaled when he finally came across it. As he pulled into the police station parking lot, the emotionless statement his boyfriend earlier, made ran through his head. He really wants to go back to the apartment... The younger man's whole demeanor had seemed bored, almost aloof. It was an act, a facade - Ivan wanted to tell him it was alright to be rattled, shaken by such a violent crime. He just didn't know how to put it into the right words.

 When they finally parked, Damien quickly unbuckled himself and got out, not wanting to talk. Embarrassment ran hot through him as he watched Ivan follow suit. Looking around, he felt a shimmer of fear ripple through his stomach at the vast amount of people he saw across the street, on the sidewalks, standing outside the police station ahead of them. Feeling his breath speed up in anxiety, Damien silently took two deep breaths and started for the entrance.

 Keeping a moderate distance between them, Ivan followed him into the building. It was a bustling lobby, people sitting in what looked like a waiting room, people waiting in line at two information tellers. His lover halted, looked around before stopping, let him catch up those last couple steps. The younger man's head lowered as he offered his right hand, the gesture barely noticeable. A powerful wave of emotion moved within his chest, and happily, Ivan took his hand. His lover glanced at him, gave him a tiny smile as he squeezed his fingers lightly. They walked together up to one of the teller lines and waited. As they stood, Damien kept glancing around them, obviously distraught at the many people. Ivan simply held his hand, and only when Damien cuddled against his side, did he wrap an arm around him.

 Gratefully, Damien slung an arm around the older man's waist, feeling safe and secure. His nervousness had grown too strong to pretend everything was fine. He couldn't stop thinking that any of these men he saw, could be the one who attacked him. It was exhausting, the lobby seemed so loud with talking and phones ringing. Every movement strangers made, and every new sound seemed to bash into his senses. Wanting to be back in their hotel room, Damien grit his teeth and vowed not to cause a scene. The idea of having a panic attack here, in such a public place, made his skin break out into goosebumps. After a few minutes of moving up the line, they were finally directed to a hallway and an office.


 A man in uniform had let them into a room, and were asked to sit as they waited. Ivan watched as his boyfriend tried to sit comfortably. The younger man had tugged his chair right next to his, and it eased some of the worry in Ivan's heart. As their hands came together again, Ivan decided to voice some of his concerns when they got back to their temporary home. Already he knew his sweetheart wouldn't be able to go back to their apartment. It hurt him to hear him speak so easily of returning. If it hurts to hear him talk about going back how bad is it going to hurt seeing him actually try to do it...? He could picture Damien shaking and trying not to as they stood outside their apartment building, his hand probably trembling as he rose a hand up to the door handle. As he sadly mused at the probable events within the next hour, his lover dropped his head on his shoulder. Surprised, Ivan waited to see if he'd say anything. After a few moments, he asked if he could wrap an arm around his shoulders.

 As Ivan parted their hands and held him, Damien closed his eyes wearily. Touching seemed to calm him now, before when he fought to be strong it had felt like a childish thing to do. Maybe I should stop acting like an idiot and actually admit I'm pretty shattered right now... He thought back on how much better he'd felt telling Ivan about his shameful orgasm during the rape.  It felt like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders...Ivan seemed so happy to be confided in... His thoughts were interrupted when a knock on the door sounded. Jumping slightly, Damien lifted his head from his lover's arm. A man of about forty came into the office, his uniform crisp and spotless. He had close-cropped black hair with streaks of grey coming in; his neatly trimmed, bushy mustache had the same coloring. His broad stature was intimidating, but his welcoming expression toned it down considerably. He took a seat on the opposite side of his desk, set the manilla envelope down.

 "Thank you both for coming in, I'm Inspector Roland Larson. I was heading the processing of your apartment." The man's dark eyes met with his; Damien flushed with embarrassment as his face was scanned. "Mr. Syerson, I'm sorry about your ordeal, I'd like to commend you for reporting and making a statement. The percentage of men who involve the police is sadly, very low." Not sure what to say, Damien only nodded before his eyes fell to stare at the desk. The Inspector turned to look at Ivan, "You must be Mr. Marsters, who spoke on the phone with me? I'm glad you two managed to come in so quickly, there's ah, some matters we need to discuss."

"We collected everything needed as evidence, and tried not to damage anything in your home. Our crime scene investigators had to snip a few swatches from your living room carpet, that's all I can think that could be damaging. We dusted your doors, various surfaces that would gain entrance to your apartment. When dusting the sliding door, we found no trace, though we did find black fibers. Its too early to tell since we haven't processed anything yet, but we think the perpetrator wore gloves. This will be, upsetting. We found traces of dried semen on your sliding glass door, from the...outside. Given that we found at least two separate traces, I think whoever did this had been targeting you. This was no spur of the moment assault."

 As the man talked, Ivan felt Damien's hand slowly start to squeeze his. Ivan clenched his jaw as he listened - when the Inspector began to tell them of their sliding door, his mouth dropped in frightening, cold shock. He almost had to shake his head and blink as the Inspector's words sunk in, and its terrifying implication. A choked cry escaped Damien, made him remember that he wasn't listening to this alone. The younger man wrenched their hands apart, covered his own mouth and nose as he barked harsh sob . Forgetting the uniformed man, Ivan turned in his seat, wavered on the decision before touching his lover's shaking shoulder. "Dami, oh please, its me." He whispered hoarsely at the flinching reaction.

His mouth was completely dry, Damien tried to keep the choking sounds in as he pictured someone standing outside their glass door, watching. Remembering how often they had the curtains drawn back, to have a nice view of their tiny garden. A powerful wave of nausea hit him, made him dizzy. Almost immediately, tears formed and spilled down his cold cheeks; overwhelmed, he covered his whole face with his hands and tried not to sob. Ivan touched his shoulder, made him jump. Ignoring his apology or whatever he said, Damien leaned into his body, a stifled whimper escaping him as arms enfolded him in a strong embrace. He felt naked, needed shelter against himself and everything else as he imagined being watched by a twisted stranger masturbating outside their home, peering in. He heard himself talking with no idea what he was saying.

"-outside! I-I should've closed the-the curtains! How m-many times-" Agonized to hear the younger blame himself, Ivan stroked his back, felt his own tears threaten to fall. "Dami, there's nothing you could've done, we did nothing wrong by having the damn curtains open! Please, sweetheart, listen to me, you're alright now! You're safe and we don't ever have to go back there if you don't want to." At some point, the younger man's vacant, weeping blue eyes found his misty green. They blinked a few times, the faraway look fading as they focused on his face. "I-I don't think I can..." His trembling voice was apologetic; hearing the guilt was almost unbearable. "Then we won't, we'll move out and find a new place."

 Nearly swept by the finality in his lover's voice, Damien blinked, uncertain if Ivan was serious. It was a huge inconvenience, since both their jobs were nearby; they'd rented the apartment there for two years. He'd thought about it, but didn't actually consider it, thinking it'd be onerous. Feeling incredibly selfish, he started to protest on the grounds that it was a pathetic reason to move. Ivan withdrew sharply from their embrace, his face taut with frustration as he held his shoulders. "Leaving that apartment because it upsets you so much is not a pathetic reason!" The blond lowered his voice, noticing his wince at being almost shouted at. "Dami, I don't care if we have to move, its the least of my concerns. Our apartment is just a bunch of rooms, that's all it is. I just want you to feel safe again, I don't care where that is." Faint color came back to Damien's cheeks. Ivan dredged up a smile and touched his cheek lightly.

 "Whatever you need to heal from this, I'm all for it. Okay?" Sniffling, Damien nodded, wiped at his eyes with a hand. Hearing exactly what he needed to hear, he smiled for a moment before leaning over, placing a kiss on the older man's forehead. The hands on his shoulders fell to wrap around him in a brief hug, before Ivan pressed a kiss to his brow in return. Closing his eyes, he breathed in his familiar scent, the fear leaving him. A light throat-clearing noise had both him and Ivan look across the desk to see the Inspector half-hiding a smile behind a hand. Forgetting completely they were currently at a meeting, Damien settled back in his chair, wiped at his face shyly. His hand fell to his lap, and found its way to hold his boyfriend's, out of view of the uniformed man.

 The Inspector made a soft chuckle and shook his head. "I'm glad to see such a supportive couple. I've seen a few that would make your teeth grit at the lack of empathy. As unsettling as this information is, it gives us a better chance at comparison for any criminals on file. I have to tell you that it will take at least a month to hear any update since going over and processing evidence can take a long time." The man paused, looking intently at Damien, who fidgeted slightly at the scrutiny. "Now, there is one thing I'd like to do, if you are able to do so, Mr. Syerson. You gave one of the officers your statement, if you're comfortable enough, I'd like you to read it over, perhaps add anything that may have slipped your mind. I'm actually quite amazed you managed to get down so much detail in your shock after such trauma."

 Ivan felt his boyfriend's hand clench his suddenly, his body growing very still. Their arms were lightly touching, and he felt the younger man trembling as he lowered his head. His dark hair fell forwards, obscuring his face as he asked if he could read it alone. A sharp twinge of rejection hit Ivan in his chest; swallowing hard, he reminded himself it didn't mean he wasn't trusted or unwanted. He just needs to do this himself... Stroking the back of his lover's hand with his thumb, Ivan tugged his arm gently. "Do you want me to step outside for a few minutes?" The younger man lifted his head, a shimmer of tears in his sad eyes as he nodded. Lifting his hand, the blond kissed his fingers a couple times, "Its okay, sweets, I understand. I'll be waiting outside, just open the door when you're ready. As he left the room, he glanced at the Inspector who smiled faintly with a nod.


 About ten minutes later, both Damien and the Inspector stepped out. Ivan pushed away from the wall, making certain to keep his distance as they walked the few steps towards him. The raven-haired man was pale as he rushed forwards, wound his arms in another embrace. His tight hold was alarming as he trembled. Glad to be able to offer comfort, Ivan fold his arms around him, held him just as firmly. A few moments passed when he remembered the Inspector was still beside them. "We're finished with Damien's cellphone, so we'll call him in future. Thank you for coming in, I believe you can find your way back?" Offering his right hand over his boyfriend's shoulder, Ivan smiled briefly. "Yes, thank you for everything, the information and all." Their handshake was strong, made him confident the Inspector would do everything he could to find the rapist. As the man walked away, Damien nuzzled his cheek against his chest, "I want to go back to the hotel, I feel so drained after that."

 The older man squeezed him lightly, kissed his neck. A shiver ran down his back at the pleasant touch. Feeling loved, Damien reluctantly stepped away, entwining their fingers as he started to lead the way back to the lobby. "Sounds like a plan, do you want to grab something to eat on the way?"


 After stopping at a grocery store, with Damien waiting in the car, they returned to their hotel. The spring rain continued to fall as they drove in a comfortable silence. There was no icy feeling or swarm of negativity this time. The only time the younger man hesitated was when they got out when the finally reached their destination. Ivan saw how his lover looked around the parking lot, his shoulders tense while surveying the area. "This was no spur of the moment assault." Anger bristled in him, always there until he thought of the notion again. It was a dangerous emotion, filling him with agitation, a desire to track down whoever caused this chaos. Damien turned to him and a faint smile broke his pensive features. It is chaos...But we seem even closer than ever... Being able to comfort and touch Damien was highly satisfying; he'd read online how some people couldn't bear the slightest touch or their trust was so badly shattered, relationships crumbled. Communication was paramount, insecurities unspoken and misconceptions were a minefield that only grew the longer they were withheld. The man he loved so dearly, his smile grew softer as walked to the back of the car, held out his hand. Stepping around to meet him, Ivan took his hand as they walked in together.

 Finally back in their room, Damien took of his shoes, propping them off one at a time as he undid his jacket. His energy had depleted severely from reading the statement, it was like reliving the experience. His hands had shook badly as he scanned his words from the papers he held. Careful as he climbed onto the made bed, he made certain not to aggravate his healing backside. I must be getting a tiny bit better...The thought would make me well up with tears again... Maybe it was being too tired to start weeping again, but the idea of him healing emotionally, no matter how minutely, was comforting. Lying on his side, looking at the wall as he brought up his knees, he heard the blond folding his jacket, storing the cold cuts and buns for sandwiches in the fridge. Unfailingly neat when he could be, Damien mused with a barest hint of a smirk as he relaxed into the soft mattress and blankets. His boyfriend shuffled his feet against the carpet as he walked closer to where he lay. Feeling his question in the air, the raven-haired man closed his eyes and gave permission to join him.

 As the older man slowly climbed onto the bed, Damien's heartbeat jumped slightly in anticipation to be held again. He found it soothing beyond words to still be desirable, something worthy to be loved. Pretending everything was fine had altered how he felt, thinking to be held or touched was being treated like a fragile doll to be coddled. I am fragile though... It was an unfortunate word, but it was true. Ivan's breath had grown slightly heavy, his husked voice made him shiver. "Can I hold you as you are?" Swallowing quietly, he nodded, not trusting his voice as his pulse jumped. His body grew warm, tendrils of lust questing along his nerves. The sensation echoed how he'd reacted during his assault, the beginnings of pleasure as his body betrayed him. Just as his sweetheart started to shuffle closer, his legs brushing against his, Damien gasped out for him to wait.

 Ivan stopped immediately, brought his legs back from slowly molding into the younger man's curve. Concerned he'd done something wrong, Ivan propped his right arm up to support his head as he half sat, not touching him. A long moment passed, before Damien slowly turned so he was lying on his back, his hair puffing up in a long, silky curl. They both laughed suddenly as the younger tugged it out from under his head, his cheeks pink. Laughing made the atmosphere suddenly less serious; then the younger man looked at him, a vulnerable expression on his face as he moved his mouth to start talking. "I, I'm starting to react to...you again." His sentence was clipped, as if he ran out of steam to continue speaking. A dull red filled his cheeks as he blinked at him. Ivan nodded, gave him time to gather his thoughts. "Its only been a couple days...I don't want you to think I'm-" Again he stopped short, obviously working hard to try to get whatever bothered him out. "Maybe it didn't affect me as badly as I thought."

 His hoarse murmur was difficult to get out. A large part of him begged for him to stop, to not say any more lest he be laughed at or carelessly mocked. But the tender look on his lover's face assured him he wouldn't be; it warmed him down to his toes to be looked at as such. "I feel so loved and safe when you hold me, w-when you kiss my cheek or forehead. But I can-can't do more, I don't want you to think I'm teasing you." He looked away, uncomfortable with being so open. With his face hot, he shook his head, silently saying he was finished talking. "Everything is at your own pace, sweetheart. I won't ever push you or your boundaries." Their quiet voices made him shiver again, being so close, the intimacy almost too much. "Thank you. I might get upset or angry at myself, trying to sort everything out in my head. I feel scared when I get all...reacting to you."

 Sensing his discomfort, Ivan hesitated before touching his hair gently. "Its a lot to work through, just tell me what you need and I'll do all I can." He carefully meshed his fingers into the silky dark locks and combed them out. "If we keep talking like this, we'll make it through this. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, like about what happened. Just, whatever you're worried about with me and you. Or anything at all." The younger man nodded once, growing shy again. He scanned his face briefly, "Can you hold me now?" Smiling, the blond shuffled a little closer, lifting his arm. "Of course, how do you want to?" The younger replied by wriggling next to him, coming under his arm. Pausing for a moment, Ivan lay on his back, a tingle of pleasure running through him as his lover molded against his side. His cheek face to rest just under his collarbone as it always did; smiling, the blond tucked his arm around his side loosely.

 Hesitating, Damien turned his face quickly, pressed a light kiss on his chest. A quiet chuckle rumbled through the older man, "I feel loved as well when you press butterfly kisses there. It makes me smile every time you do." Flushing with small joy at being able to give comfort of his own, the dark-haired man swallowed the growing lump in his throat. "I can kiss your forehead too if you want..." He waited on tenterhooks, hoping not to be rebuffed. Giving sweet gestures pleased him as much as getting them. Strongly wanting to be rid of the guilt and shame for enjoying the light touches, he bit his lip as the seconds grew longer. "If you'd like to." His voice was soft, leaving it up to him. He remembered how gently the older man kissed his neck, lips trailing down his neck last night when he woke from his nightmare. When I told him I came during... His skin sparked with longing to be touched like that, on the heels of that emotion, fear.

His heart beating faster as his lover raised up his head, his eyes meeting his with difficulty. There was traces of fear in his face, but it was the heat in his blue eyes that made Ivan's heart nearly stop. Such a simple thing, a kiss on his forehead, wouldn't have had this much hesitancy. Don't stop him let him do what he wants... He suddenly felt nervous at the possibility of him messing things up. It was an unfamiliar feeling, and he grappled to remain outwardly calm, keep his features content. Honestly not wanting more than just cuddling, he couldn't stem his curiosity to what would happen next. The younger man bit his own lip, a seemingly unconscious action, as he moved closer. Leaning his head up just a little, Ivan inwardly shivered as lips gently pressed a kiss just above his brow.

 Breath heavy, Damien pulled back, and uncertainly kissed his lover's temple. Whispers of desire ghosted along his body, his skin tingling. It was gratifying to know he captivated the older man, given how quickly he froze. Taking a quiet deep breath, he continued because he wanted to. Trailing his mouth down, he kissed down his cheek, hovered as their lips were almost touching. His lover's green eyes were wide, uncertain as he remained rigid. "You can move if you want..." He trailed off, guilty for pushing it this far. Maybe he doesn't want to kiss me... Remembering how dirty he still felt, an irremovable layer of filth that still clung to his skin, his breath caught.

Seeing the reluctance growing on the younger's face, the shame filling in his eyes, Ivan minutely shook his head, careful not to brush their lips together. "I don't want to startle you, pressure you." Tentatively, he brought his hand from his lover's back, and stroked his shoulder. Their eyes met, and slowly, his lover kissed the corner of his mouth. His breath stopped; Damien's grew audible as his eyes started to close. Moving a fraction, the younger sealed their lips in a chaste, gentle union. The shy touch was tantalizing, sent ripples of heat throughout his body, and a second passed until his lover drew away. His deep blue eyes were gauging his reaction nervously, his expression drawn in expectations of a negative one. All Ivan did was smile, let his eyes fill with the love he had for the younger man.

 Encouraged, glad he wasn't pushed for more, Damien smiled back as he leaned forwards. Again, he gave a kiss, and with his abdomen tight with anxiety, parted his mouth. Heart pounding, he gently caught Ivan's lower lip, saw the surprise in the older man's eyes. Freezing, his nerve started to fail - its too soon maybe I'm pushing him should I stop? A myriad of emotions swarmed in him as he tried to decide what to do. Just as he started to pull away, the hand on his shoulder slowly raised along his neck, thumb stroking his sensitive skin. A gasp escaped him as a shudder ran throughout his body, the reaction pleasant. Fingers slowly meshed into his hair as Ivan gave the lightest kiss. It felt so different, having to focus on keeping back memories as his body registered the pleasure and tried to panic. His lover's breath had grown heavier, his beautiful eyes half-closing. Seeing this, Damien kissed more firmly, eyes starting to close.

 Although they were both equally cautious, Ivan was certain he was more panicked of the two. He'd only meant to reassure he didn't mind when the younger man made it more intimate. Damien's lips parted more, shifting closer as his hand came up to touch his cheek. As another shiver cascaded throughout him, Ivan tried to keep his body from reacting, to essentially slam the brakes before he grew hard and frightened his boyfriend into thinking he had to do more. Gently, as he combed out his fingers free from his lover's hair, the younger whimpered as he pulled away. Stopping immediately, Ivan watched as his boyfriend blinked his eyes open. "No, nothings wrong, its just my neck is way too sensitive... My skin feels super charged." He smiled faintly, amusement in his eyes, a welcome sight. "I can still kiss you...I'm glad he didn't ruin that for me."

 Ivan inwardly grimaced that his lover felt everything else had been ruined. Silently, he leaned forward and kissed his crown, easing his head back down. The tension had dissipated as the younger man rested his cheek upon his chest again, no doubt tired from the busy afternoon. As he set an arm around his back, Ivan let his breath out in a quiet sigh. His lips still tingled, and his heart had grown lighter with hope.


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