A Life not Spent with You

BY : Rin-chan
Category: DarkFic > Slash - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 4294
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental - this is a work of fiction.

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains details of sexual assault that may be upsetting to some readers! Thank you for the reviews and reading! It means a lot! ^^

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 A sudden movement woke him, jerking him out of a comfortable doze. Blinking, Damien noticed he'd turned on his stomach at some point, facing away from his boyfriend. Ivan... Spinning carefully, he looked to see his lover twisting his head, his face taut in pain. Half-kneeling, Damien ignored the dull ache at the awkward position as he leaned over the blond man. "No, please!" He gasped, caught in a bad dream, sweat formed on his brow. Concerned, the younger man tentatively he brushed his thumb along his cheek, feeling the rough stubble. Whispering softly, he tried to soothe him. "Stop! Don't hurt him!" Ivan's barely audible plea sent a shock through him as he hovered over his lover. He's dreaming about me...

 Stroking his fingertips along his cheek, Damien leaned forwards, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “Shhh, Ivy, I’m here. Everything’s alright...” The older man’s nightmare seemed to grow stronger so he repeated his reassurances, brushing his damp bangs from his face. Gradually, Ivan’s breath slowed, starting to relax as the dream faded. In the dim light, the younger man let his eyes trace along the curve of his cheek, the strong line of his brow. Remembering the first time he laid eyes on him four years ago, the thrill that ran down his spine as their eyes had met, Damien leaned forward and pressed another kiss on his forehead. Smiling, he eased away, lying on his side as he rested his head on the pillows. As he watched the older man drift off into a peaceful slumber again, his smile grew faint. So I burden him even when he’s asleep... It was an errant thought, but it made him start to fret again. Irritated at his depressing thinking, he closed his eyes, tried to clear his mind.

 He’s got work tomorrow... A nervous quiver ran through his stomach at the thought of being left alone. Despite knowing they were safe and secure on a tenth floor hotel room, he couldn’t help but fear he’d be found. “This was no spur of the moment attack.” How long had the rapist been watching him? How many times had he left the curtain open? Drawn back invitingly, willingly? Squeezing his eyes tighter, he grappled to keep his thoughts from growing darker. Each thought had suddenly been tainted by his assault, trying to connect unrelated things to it, making his rape the focus of his life. It was exhausting, constantly surveying his surroundings, trying to decipher every cadence in his boyfriend’s sentences, searching for anything negative. Taking a quiet deep breath, Damien reached out and carefully took his lover’s hand, held it as he tried once more to clear the intrusive thoughts. As he concentrated, he lightly traced the faint grease scars on the back of Ivan’s hand, followed the few above his wrist. Smiling sadly, he let his touch grow fainter, ghosting his fingertips along. The blond stirred in his sleep; startled, Damien brought his hand away. He has to be up early tomorrow I shouldn’t wake him...

 Feeling restless, the younger man carefully got off the bed, and went to the table. Searching quietly through his coat pocket, he found his phone and flipped it open. It was 10:12PM and there were a few texts from a couple friends, nothing out of the ordinary. I wonder why the police needed my phone... Thinking back to their earlier visit to the police station, he shook his head to clear the memory from mind. Its so hard to keep my mind off it... An idea came to him, an unattractive and repelling idea, but committing himself to it, he took a seat at the desk and opened Ivan’s laptop. Jaw clenched, he hesitated for a moment before opening the internet browser and typed in ‘dealing with the effects of rape.’

 A tremor ran through his stomach, his skin prickling in discomfort as his eyes took in the available links, the number of pages with websites. As he clicked a few open in separate tabs, his gaze lowered in bitterness at necessity of this, of having to research such an awful sentence. His lover shifted on the bed, turning on his side; glancing at him, Damien bit his lip while his throat grew tight. It was wrong, everything was wrong. Their blankets at home were green, nothing like the dull gray ones here. Their bed at home was much more comfortable, the pillows perfect. Firm for me and soft for Ivan... Despite the obvious distress from his attack happening at their apartment, he sorely missed their home. He misses it too I’ll bet...I wonder if he’ll resent me for having to move... As he looked back to his laptop, seeing the page loaded, he blinked his dampened eyes and hugged himself as he started to read.

 I let myself get spoiled by another man I might be infected with something I made us check in here I can’t stand being touched and then I need it more than anything... Reading that feeling all this misery was normal, didn’t console him; in fact, it worsened the shame he felt for being so weak. As he checked the other pages, he figured he had nearly every possible reaction. Tears began to form in his eyes and with a spurt of anger, he wiped them away, trying to get a hold of himself. Vaguely, he realized he was trembling - more than anything he wanted to shut the laptop and just sleep. But there’d be information on how to deal with all the consuming emotions and hopefully a quick fix to everything as his world crumbled. Scrolling down, the hammering fear in his heart made him grimace, made his  tears spill over as he read: 'current statistics indicate that about half of all survivors lose their love relationships within a year of sexual assault.’

 Clasping a hand tightly over his mouth, he kept in the sob that tried to get out as he pictured a life without Ivan. Four years was a long time, their first two years of knowing each other they’d been friends. They’d both had their separate lives, hobbies and their time spent together was enriching. Coming home to the blond always made him warm with content, especially after long days at the bookstore where he worked. Of seeing his smile as he was welcomed home. Oh no please let me get better fast... A couple sharp breaths tried to escape him but he muffled them as best as he could, looking over his shoulder quickly to see the older man still asleep. I can’t imagine coming home and never having him there to welcome me again... What if the strain of his trauma was too much? Too many restrictions and demands could tear them apart, despite their love. “I can’t do this anymore, I’m leaving.” The imagined sentence made his crying increase, his sniffling loud in the quiet room.

 With more determination to read, to try to retain as much information to better himself, Damien faltered when he saw a link that drove the breath from his body. He flushed with heat, filling his face as he bit back a whimper. 'Contracting sexually transmitted diseases/infections from sexual assault.’ Clicking it, he shaking increased as he began to read, frantically reading the warning symptoms. The torment of waiting to find his results from the hospital was terrifying. Oh fuck what if I have something right now? HIV? Herpes? Unknown to Damien, he’d started to openly sob when he couldn’t bear to read anymore.

 Dimly, Ivan heard crying that drew him from his sleep. Growing rapidly alert, he turned automatically to his side, careful not to wake his boyfriend. Confused, expecting him to be caught in another nightmare, Ivan squinted at the bright light across the room. His mind slowly registered what he saw, and quietly he sat up. The younger man was hunched in the desk’s chair as he sobbed, his hands covering his face. Everything about him shouted his misery, it hurt to see him so upset. Chest tight, he stood, remembered not to startle him but Damien didn’t respond when he said his name. The slighter man just wept and shook as he wiped at his face, brokenly pleading. “Dami, honey, I’m coming up behind you.” He waited a few moments and didn’t note any reaction. Fighting to keep his hands at his side, Ivan instead shuffled quietly to his far left, giving him a partial view of him approaching. However, before he veered to his side, he read the open tab’s title, his stomach dropping in response. A couple steps from him, he made certain not to crowd him as he leaned forwards a little, murmuring his name. The younger jumped, his reddened eyes wide as he stared him, frozen for a second.

 “Iv, I-I’m sorry I tried not to-” His crying stole his voice as a choppy breath squeezed through his tight throat. Guilty for waking him up, Damien took a few deep breaths, tried to regain control over himself. “I didn’t me-mean to wake you...” Sneaking a glance, he saw the sorrow in his lover’s face and posture, the sadness he caused. “Don’t worry, I get a chance to brush my teeth now.” The absurdity made him half-laugh, and the embarrassment lessened. The older man flashed a faint smile before a delicate look crossed his face, “Can I touch your shoulder?” Fighting the powerful sobs, Damien nodded gratefully. Gently, his shirt was tugged up covering his bare shoulder that had peeked out before a hand smoothed it over. Wrapping an arm around his middle, the younger tugged him closer, savoring the way arms gently folded about him.

“Hey, its okay, sweetheart.” Holding him, Ivan bent lower as he kissed the top of his head, glad to be welcomed in. His lover’s weeping had nearly slowed, his sharp breaths dying down. Asking him to let go for a moment, he knelt and resumed their embrace. Feeling his slight form hitch every few breaths, Ivan stroked his hand along his shoulder, let his thumb trail along. “You don’t have to stop crying.” Was all he said, whispering into his hair. The room had grown silent, save the low hum of the laptop running. Resting his head upon the younger’s shoulder, Ivan read what was on the bright screen. Badly wanting to ask and talk of it, Ivan reined in his questions, not wanting to force him to speak of it if he didn’t want to. The hands around him jerked slightly, fingers pressing in briefly before Damien’s hoarse murmur broke the silence. “I was reading up on how to deal with, everything.”

 Glad he could talk now without stammering, his bout of crying finished for now, Damien nuzzled his cheek deeper into the older man’s neck. The warm skin against his was pleasant, calming, as he felt their heartbeats matched. Finding it hard to explain, scared especially of the last article he’d read, a shock of dismay ran through him as he realized Ivan could read the screen. Panic blossomed in his chest - what if he had contracted a disease? Would Ivan ever want to touch him like this again? A frustrated noise escaped him as he tightened his embrace around the other man. “I keep thinking so many dark thoughts. I can’t stop it, its like I assume the worst about you and I b-because I feel so-” He winced, not liking to be so direct about feelings. Nervous, hoping his dearest would understand, Damien finished with a barely audible whisper. “R-ruined.”

 Ivan had grown very still as his lover spoke, not wanting to distract or scare him from voicing his thoughts. At the broken last word, the blond pursed his lips in a pained grimace. He started to move his hand, faltered for a second before smoothing his palm along the younger’s back. “I k-kept looking up articles, I want all this crying and emotional mess to go away and I clicked this last one...” Damien’s breath went sharp, a tremble running through him. “I’m really scared, Ivan, if I have something lasting will you-” The sudden halt made his eyes grow damp as he shook his head, stroking circles on the slighter man’s shaking back. “I won’t leave, I’ll be right here with you, Dami. I promise, alright?” Determination swelled in him, nearly choked him as he tried to convey the weight of his promise. He withdrew from their hug slightly, so he could look at his face. Blue eyes dropped from his gaze, the drying tear trails shiny in the computer’s light. “I’ll tell you that as many times as you need to hear it, sweets, whatever it may be, we could make it work.” Ivan looked over the other man’s face and smiled. “I love you. If you happen to get something, it’d take more than that to keep me from you.”

 His stomach quivered, every organ in him felt as though they’d plummeted from a great height. Smiling stupidly in relief, Damien wiped at his drying cheeks. His heartbeat had skipped when the older man examined his face, he could see those green eyes scan him with a tenderness that shook him. As tarnished and defiled as he felt, Damien felt desirable and cherished to be looked at so. Tell him that... The thought sent nervousness thrumming through his body as he pictured kissing him after such a disclosure. “I love you too,” He said quietly, his throat growing tight as his anxiety began to raise at the course he steered himself.

Ivan saw faint apprehension on the younger’s features, made him curious to why it was there as he returned the sweet words. Damien smiled briefly before it faded in concentration, “I love h-how you can look at me like that still...” About to ask, feeling lightheaded as tension suddenly rose, Ivan froze as a hand cupped his face, thumb sweeping along his cheekbone lightly. “L-like this. Like I’m still, desirable and cherished.” The words were slowly forced out of the younger man, his voice wavered as he stared at him with a longing. Swallowing the growing lump in his throat, Ivan gently caught the hand on his face, hesitantly pressed a kiss to the open palm. “I’ll always be able to look at you that way.” His chest felt squeezed as he suddenly wanted to excuse himself, leave before he inadvertently scared the younger man. Don’t do anything more its too soon even if he wants to do something it’ll make things more complicated! He remembered their first kiss after the assault, in the hotel’s garden; remembering how torn and disgusted he’d felt at causing his lover to cry, Ivan felt himself start to lean back as he knelt,

 But to his surprise, Damien dropped his eyes and withdrew. The younger man pulled his hand away, moved out of their half embrace as he sat dejectedly in his chair. Whatever determination he’d had as he voiced his thoughts, suddenly vanished. “I can still feel his hands all ov-over me sometimes. I get memories of myself doing t-things for h-him and I wonder how-” The slighter man’s breath hitched as his eyes rapidly blinked away the growing tears. “How you can want me, its so s-stupid!” Quick to reassure, Ivan shuffled the tiniest bit closer as he spoke softly. All the while, the younger shook his head and covered his mouth to stifle the pained noises. “Oh honey, no...”



 Trying not to sob, so tired of this leaky faucet routine at the slightest memory of his attack, Damien felt his breath catch as the older man brought his free hand up to his lips. Green eyes met his, then closed as a butterfly kiss was placed on the back of his hand. A shiver ran down his back, skin prickling with heat from that one small action. The older man’s eyes opened again, half-lidded as they regarded him as he ghosted a kiss that pressed along his thumb. Ever so slowly, Ivan turned his wrist, and he could only watch as the man propped his chin over his half-closed fingers; understanding, Damien opened his hand. Kissing his open palm, his lover still held his gaze, eyes soft as he pressed one to his wrist almost reverently. Breath growing heavy as lips trailed upwards along his skin another couple inches, a coil of tension started in Damien’s stomach. He remained frozen as the loving touches clashed with the damaged sense he’d felt about himself. Unlovable and unattractive, but here he was, watching as the older man slowly made his way up his arm.

 Hearing his lover’s breath grow shaky, Ivan halted briefly, looked to see the conflicted expression on the younger’s face. There was need, tenderness, but also uncertainty. His cheeks had grown a lovely pink, growing deeper as he gave the barest of nods. Smiling, Ivan shuffled closer as he rose up on his knees, the blond skimmed his lips up above his elbow. “I-Ivan.” His name was stammered as he started to near his shoulder. Pausing, the older man drew away a little, not wanting to pressure him. “Do you want me to stop?” His voice was husked from the intimacy.

 The tension in his stomach started to move lower, frightening him, but each touch sparked his desire to enjoy the sensation of being loved. There was no obvious sexual stimulation, just kisses, but it had the same effect on him. Perhaps even stronger as his breath remained heavy. Nervous though, since his shoulder was a sensitive erogenous zone, Damien shook his head. Lips slowly descended up on his upper arm, especially light over a bruise there. Trying to lose himself in the non-threatening affection, he tensed when Ivan finally reached the start of his shoulder. Drawing closer to his neck, the blond continued his ministrations, sending a shudder through him. “Nn! Wait!”

Stopping immediately, mind clearing at once, Ivan drew away as he searched the younger’s face in concern. His lover was trembling, obviously distraught; with a deep breath, the slighter man hesitantly took his hand, held it tightly. His blue eyes were pleading, vulnerable as he threaded their fingers. With a shy look, Damien raise his free hand and cupped his face, thumb tracing along his jaw. A shudder ran through Ivan at the feathery touch. Securing their interlocked fingers, he nervously licked his lips, trying to quell the strong desire to continue laying kisses. Instead he asked in a breathy voice, “Can I continue?”, remembering to never assume.

Heart pounding in his ears, Damien nodded, a part of him elated at the hope he heard in his boyfriend’s voice. His mind raced, the new found hyper-vigilance he’d recently developed was alerting him that someone was much too close, that his body was starting to react, and his fear was steadily increasing. The articles and websites he’d read were exceedingly helpful, and with Ivan so considerate and gentle, he felt safe enough to try. Each time the older man had placed his lips upon his skin, the clinging belief that he was tainted faded little by little. Try as he might, he told himself all he wanted to just to work up the courage to kiss but all that led to further things that he couldn’t bear. What if he wants more? I couldn’t stop him if he-

Abruptly he cut off his thoughts, knowing the older man would never press him. Ivan had taken a few seconds to look over his face with a small smile, and now he squeezed their threaded fingers a little as he lowered his face to his shoulder. Nervous in anticipation, Damien held onto the blond’s broad shoulder, breath catching. Lips descended on the flat start of his shoulder, sending shivers questing down into his lap. Panic gnawed at his resolve but he tried to sit still, focusing on the love Ivan showered upon him. Closing his eyes, he jumped slightly as Ivan feathered his mouth along another inch towards his neck. A gasp nearly escaped him as the pleasure swarmed down into his groin. Shame colored his cheeks, as a ghost voice hissed in his ear, taunting him as it had while he been assaulted. Clenching the older man’s shoulder and hand, Damien grew rigid in his chair despite enjoying the intimate touches.

 Happy as he was to be given permission, Ivan kept a close observation as he slowly continued. He could sense his lover’s desire, though it’d become quickly conflicted as he neared his shoulder. He’d always been sensitive there - one of the best things was when he’d nuzzle his lips upon the soft skin and see Damien’s eyes close like a contented cat. Maybe I should stop dammit I know how it affects him! But seeing the need in his lover’s eyes had convinced him he wasn’t pushing the younger man. He needed all the control and gentleness he could get and Ivan was only too glad to provide it. But as he laid a second kiss, a sharp sound of curbed desire escaped the younger man as he trembled. Waiting to hear a protest, the blond stopped, worried. The hand holding his tightened suddenly, as did the hand holding his shoulder, more like gripping it in panic. What pleasant haze his mind was in at being able to touch his lover like this, started to clear then vanish completely at how straight the younger man was sitting now.

 “Sweetheart, what is it? Would you like to, stop?” Not letting him finish, Damien shook his head, not trusting his voice. The same anxiety he’d felt in trying to decide whether to share of his orgasm during the assault, plagued him now. Just tell him! How hard is it? It’ll poison you keeping it all in! The guilt and shame - always hand in hand - were too powerful against logic. Realizing he was shaking, Damien focused hard on staying still, tension in his body growing as he curbed his emotions and reactions again. Recalling how withdrawn Ivan and himself had been as they waited at the police station because he didn’t share his concerns, the decision to share now came quickly. All the while Ivan had remained still, even tried to draw away to see his face but Damien refused to let him. I won’t be able to say it if he’s looking at me...

  Sensing his lover was on the verge of divulging something important, Ivan waited, lightly squeezed their intertwined fingers in encouragement. Still hovering his face near the younger’s shoulder, Ivan noticed the laptop screen behind Damien, still on. Not wanting the bright light the screen brought to suddenly go off as the computer went to sleep mode, Ivan nudged the mouse with his free hand. “I’m,” The slighter man started, his breath growing shaky and audible as his trembling started again. “It feels good, I-I can’t stop thinking of, during...” He trailed off, holding his hand even tighter. “I tried s-so hard to not react, Ivan, I really did!” His voice had grown thick with oncoming tears; Ivan shuffled closer, tentatively looped his free arm around him in a comforting hold. “I was so scared, terruh-terrified because it was pleasure, I think I even moaned once in between the pleading, shouting n-no to h-him and my body!”

The younger man bowed his head, hiding his face in his neck as he parted their hands, arms coming around him in a lead grip. Feeling the dampness of tears against his shoulder, Ivan fold his arms around him, eyes tearing as well he stroked his hand in comforting circles. The slighter man was shaking like a leaf, but he didn’t sob this time, perhaps it made this crying worse. “When yuh-you kiss my neck, it feels so good, it feels wrong to make noises.” One sob made it through the panicky breaths Damien took, “H-he said it wasn’t rah-rape if I enjoyed it, teased me when I c-came but I-” His raising voice, high as he described the horror, broke off as he shook his head, burying his face deeper into his neck. Sniffling, Ivan held him tight, swayed them ever so slightly. Oh hell I should have been home that night...

“Its all over, Damien, you’re safe now.” His stomach quivering, Damien tried hard to stop the sobs forcing their way out of him. Wanting to continue with the kisses, he fought the gasping breaths and tears. Ivan smoothed his hand up and down his back, whispering reassurances in his ear. The softness in the older man’s voice broke his attempts to stop crying and he gave up holding back. Chaotic flashes of his assault went through his mind, the harsh murmurs in his ear, the jeering. A spark of anger ran through him at having to be here, weeping and shattered. Of his whole world imploding, taking Ivan down with him. With a harsh hiccup, he clung desperately to his beloved and let out an enraged bellow before lapsing into sobs. Ivan stroked his back, ran a hand through his hair as he swayed them, crying silently.

"You're safe now, I'm so sorry, Damien."

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